The “goods” in the week of August 2nd.

The weeks and days seem to blur for me and it is difficult to remember the “goods” of this week. Did that good thing happen this week or the last, that is the question. Anyway, here is an effort to remember the “goods”.

My book club met this week after 2 months. Last 2 months were horrendous and I did not have the mental bandwidth to prepare discussion questions for books. However, when we met and discussed our selection for the month of July, I realized how much I enjoy meeting with each of those participants every month. How much they enrich my understanding of a book by their insightful input.

One work day I had lunch with a dear friend and coworker. She asked me how I coped or continue to cope with my losses. She has both parents living but both are elderly and she shudders to think of the eventuality. So we discussed. Sharing my thoughts with her was cathartic. I will write a different post about that conversation.

I went to the farmer’s market on Wednesday with friends.

Sahana, yet again, cooked delicious fried rice for our lunches. I am grateful for her love of cooking as well as culinary skills.

We got to pup sit for my friend’s puppy. She is my therapy pup.

My flowers look lovely and the African daisies are in full bloom. So are the gladiolus plants.

All of a sudden, I received a gorgeous dish garden from florists. A coworker sent it to me saying she continues to think of me and prays for me every day. I thanked her. Grief is lonely but it helps when one is enveloped with love.

Ryan is enjoying a couple of weeks of free time and is hence much nicer to be around. I am even getting occasional hugs.

Lastly, Sean and I embarked on a road trip down south. We hit Durham and Raleigh. We are now in Charleston and will visit Virginia beach before heading home.

As Sean and I sang along to the Spotify list that Sahana gifted Sean with our favorite songs as we drove down Interstate 95, I realized how much I love being with the man I married.

Although thoughts of ma and baba are never far from my mind and although there are several moments of sadness off and on, I am happy to be away from home and seeing something new with my favorite person.

This morning I asked Sean if he minded me talking about my parents to him so much. Talking about them, even their death and my sadness, helps me. He said “Absolutely not.” His eyes teared up along with mine.

Hope your list of “goods” is long and hope you have a great week.

The “goods” in the week of July 26th.

Not just the “goods” but the best thing this week was Sahana’s birthday. Although it was a week day, we went out for dinner and watched a movie. I love to celebrate birthdays and this was the birthday of my special girl. I can not lie, the day was bittersweet. I shed a lot of tears and also felt an immense surge of love for life with Sahana in it.

Ryan finished his 6 weeks of summer biology on Friday. He ended up with decent grades and judging by his incessant chatter on the subject, some knowledge.

Sahana wanted a beach day with family for her birthday. So the four of us went to the beach on Friday.

Our youngest driver drove us to our hotel and there were just two white knuckle moments in the entire journey.

Saturday was perfect for a beach day. Sahana and I went to the beach while the boys lazed in the hotel room for a while watching Olympics before joining us.

I read next to Sahana on the sand.

Sean gave me a heart attack when he went to swim in the ocean and disappeared without telling me he was going for a swim. I thought he had drowned. I even spoke to the young lifeguard on duty. The “goods” is he did not drown. He came back and was even sheepish when I told him I was worried sick.

We had unexpectedly good Mediterranean food at the beach. And of course, ice cream.

It was good to be together without any constraints on our times.

I was craving to be near water since the loss. I was able to sit and watch the waves crash relentlessly. There is a belief life is like a wave, building up and then crashing before becoming one with water again. I thought ma and baba are back where they came from after giving me life and a lifetime of love.

Sahana drove us back. As I sat next to her and watched her navigate traffic and heavy rain I again wondered how quickly time passes.

I hope your list of “goods” is long and have a great week.

The “goods” in the week of July 19th.

The whole point of this exercise is to be mindful of little things which enrich my life. It is to be aware of the small picture and not simply live through the moment which was good. The point is to acknowledge them. I thought of skipping this blog of “goods” this week. It has been a long week of routine. This week has been one of remembering and being sad of my loss. But I still had some “goods” and I want to write those down.

I have been hitting my step goal every day. I go for my walks and then during my breaks at work I go around the grounds of our library and end up at the library garden before going in.

I went to the farmer’s market with my friends and bought bread, coconut cupcakes and absolutely delicious strawberry balsamic vinegar.

On Wednesday I was supposed to drive to pick up Ryan from his school after practice, but my angel of a daughter finished her work early and offered to go in my stead. I could go home and relax instead.

My garden looks vibrant with colors. My osteospermum, in other words, African daisy plants lay fallow for many weeks. All of a sudden they are full of buds and flowers.

Ryan finished fifth week of summer biology and talks a lot about what he is learning. He seems excited. One more week to go.

Ryan’s swim practice will end next week. The anticipation of not having to drive him for a few weeks is one of my “goods” for sure.

I find myself laughing with my coworkers more these days. Sometimes I surprise myself that I can laugh again. But that is good. That is moving forward. My parents would have wanted that.

Ryan scored well in his Advanced Placement test of World History. Funnily that was surprising to both of us as he said he did not test well in that subject. He also did not know when the result was coming out. My friend, whose daughter took an AP test told me she got her result. I checked and there it was. I worry about that boy about his organization skills.

I love sitting down with Sahana at the end of our days and exchange customer stories from our respective work places.

Ryan had a swim meet in Virginia this weekend. Sean and I dropped him off at the facility and drove to nearby Leesburg. We walked around the historic downtown and ended up having lunch in a cute restaurant called Shoe’s Cup and Cork. I had a good day.

On Sunday, while Ryan swam, Sean and I walked by Potomac river. I paused by the river for a while and thought about ma and baba.

This week I had a long conversation with my cousin in India. Both our mothers died on the same day within 10 hours of each other’s death. Interestingly enough, these two sisters-in-law were close friends as well and we both remember their giggly youth. We laughed about how they planned their exit together to giggle some more like yester years and eat junk food like they used to. Then we both cried. My memories of our shared childhood is a comfortable place to land when my grief becomes too intense. I told her that.

Ryan got best times in 6 of his 7 events. His happiness at his achievement after putting in hard work is definitely in my list of “goods”. Ma and baba were embarrassingly proud of both of their grandkids. I bet they are bragging about them to whoever will listen as I write this.

There were still moments of sadness during days (and a sleepless night) but there were no I-can’t-breathe anxiety this week.

May your list of “goods” be long. Hope you have a great week.

The “goods” in the week of July 12th.

This week was somewhat mundane. And mundane is not bad. Uneventful is not bad at all after the several events that happened in my life not too long ago. We went back to full time work and these are my “goods” this week.

I am tired. I put that in my “goods” since I am tired because I am back full time at the library and my body is trying to get used to being ‘on’ full time. That is a good thing – this tiredness. Unlike so many I am blessed to have had my job through out the pandemic.

After waiting and watching patiently, my first gladiolus stalk sprouted buds and how deeply red they are! A second stalk seems ready to sprout. And while I am talking of my flowers, I will say they have become my haven for remembering, meditating. Ma is probably laughing at my transformation from a city girl to this suburban woman and baba is saying ‘told you so’. Obstinate ma plant is still blooming.

A friend just came by and dropped off a flowering plant and a card. She bought the plant a while ago but was caring it for me since my loss brought back painful memories of losing her own mother.

A couple of friends messaged me privately to say that my blogs have helped them in their personal journey of grief.

I met a lovely Nigerian woman at work. She arrived in USA two weeks ago with her husband and 2 children. She asked me where I was from as I helped her find books for her children. I said “India.” Upon hearing that, she clasped her hands in front of her in excitement and said, “Oh, I love Indians. I love, love. love Indians. I wanted to marry an Indian. But I married that one instead.” We both laughed.

My best friends are back to me. I have been reading quite a bit. I eased into books with some wonderful graphic novels, then finished The Kill Artist by Daniel Silva and a few others. Now I am reading a captivating historical fiction called The Familiars by Stacey Halls.

On Friday, we went to see an outdoor performance of The Adventures of Pericles.

I asked one of our long time customers how he was doing. Before leaving the library he came to me to thank me for talking to him. He said it helped him psychologically. He is going through a stressful time. Everyone is fighting their own battle.

My uncle managed to procure baba’s death certificate on Saturday. I felt a sense of relief as that was stuck in bureaucratic red tape and then immediately felt guilty for that sense of relief followed by intense sadness and then breathlessness. I was at work. I wrote to my family I was having an anxiety attack. I went for a walk around the library building, took deep breaths, sat in the garden of our library. After about 30 minutes of coming back into the building, I was told my daughter was there to see me. She brought me my favorite drink from Starbucks and gave me a hug. My “goods” for this week is, yet again, love that keeps me afloat. Today is exactly 2 months since baba died.

There is this hole in my heart. I am learning to live around it and not fall in.

May your list of “goods” be long.

The “goods” in the week of July 5th.

I discovered cooking with bereshta – fried onions, which I get from Indian grocery store. I bought a bag to sprinkle some on biriyani. There was a lot left. My very clever cousin gave me the idea of using it to cook gravy for chicken, paneer, dal instead of chopping onions and crying a sea of tears. Since I have been crying a sea of tears without chopping raw onions, I did not need extra help. On Monday, July 5th, I cooked a 5 course Indian meal for the week without chopping a single onion. I list that as one of my “goods”. Cooking is a release for me. It is relaxing and yes, meditative.

Sean and I walked around a lake near us. It was a gorgeous evening and the lakefront was alive with laughter, children, music and family.

A friend at work lent me her ear and a shoulder.

From some moments being better than others, some days are better than others.

I discovered a beautiful bracelet on my work desk. A coworker, who has become my adoptive brother saw the bracelet, thought of me and bought it for me. The love that I receive regularly keeps me afloat. The bracelet is lovely and matches my green hair but the thought behind it is priceless.

At work, I discussed some good reads with a fellow bibliophile – a rising 4th grader. She asked for some suggestions. When I told her about some of the books that I enjoyed, her mother said to her, “Aren’t librarians wonderful?” And she replied,”Yes!” The library is buzzing with young readers asking for books. It makes my heart glad to see such enthusiasm for reading in our next generation.

Sean and I continue to go for our walks. Today I spoke about how I am doing during our entire walk. He listened and made comments that were helpful. He is a big part of the healing process along with Sahana’s care and Ryan’s goofiness.

All four of us went to an Indian fusion restaurant near us. I ordered a samosa chat pizza and it was interesting as well as delicious.

My elementary school friend came over to see me after hearing about my loss. We met after 18 years!

2 months ago, ma died on this day. To mark the day, obstinate ma plant developed some new blooms. I thought of her a lot and laughed at some memories when I called home to talk to Gouri, Breshpati and Khushi.

Khushi wants to be a teacher when she grows up.

Ryan dropped over 30 seconds in his 400 IM event and over 23 seconds in his 200 fly event in this weekend’s swim meet. I mention this in my “goods” only because the kid was so stressed about his performance before the meet and after the meet his shoulders relaxed. That made me happy.

We go back full time to the library from July 12th. It will be a change and although I know I will be tired, I am looking forward to it. I have said this before that strangely enough, I get this illusion of my life being unchanged when I am at work.

I hope you all have a good week and your list of “goods” is long.

The “goods” in the week of June 28th.

It was a regular summer week with work, summer school, swim practice.

Ryan successfully completed second week of summer biology. Four more weeks to go.

It has rained off and on and I feared my flower plants will drown. They did not and with today’s sun, they are radiant again.

I have kept myself busy at work and that helps to keep sadness at bay. Except when I shelve books, my mind fills up with old memories of my parents.

Sean and I talked more about “what’s next” for us.

I went shopping alone on Friday, a chore I generally despise but I quite enjoyed myself this time. Ma was surely smiling at my transformation.

Talking to Gouri, mashi, Breshpati and Khushi brings comfort. Gouri is so smart, she set the new wifi password in baba’s phone and tablet. She does not know any of her alphabets, never went to school, never learnt to read. I wish she would go to school but she is unwilling. I will continue to drop hints.

Gouri got her first Covid vaccine.

Khushi sends me photos of ma and baba with her. She seems to cherish her memories of them.

Gouri is nurturing baba’s plants. She often sends me photos of flowers.

Sahana, Sean and I went to our sweet, little downtown for a leisurely stroll, dinner at our favorite Syrian restaurant followed by locally made ice cream. The evening was picturesque with strawberry pink clouds casting pink glow on the earth. Ryan stayed home to mow the lawn and waste time on phone.

We celebrated July 4th in National zoo cooing at the antiques of baby panda as she tried to waddle after her mom. She was so sweet.

I brought back a pile of books again from the library. We shall see how much I read.

I have finished the entire series of Downton Abbey. What a great series. What should I watch next and why did I wait so long to watch it? Tonight I hope to watch Downton Abbey movie.

It is amazing that life goes on despite….

That is it for me this week. Hope you all have a great week and your list of “goods” is long.

The “goods” in the week of June 21st

Every morning my day starts by sitting in front of the photos of my parents. And then walking out to see the flowers that I planted in their memory. The photos were taken during our “happy” times, on our back deck during one of their visits to USA. With each passing year, they got frail but we captured happiness and youth and energy and froze it in a frame. Looking at those photos each day is one of my “goods” as I savor those joyful memories before I start my day.

On a mundane but important note, we are successfully maintaining our daily schedule with 2 cars. Each week we sit down and do some permutation and combination of who needs to be where at which time and figure out how we can work out the car situation. We have 3 working adults and one teen who is taking Summer Biology and swimming 6 days a week. On top of going to work we need to figure out his drop off and pick up. And so we have a family meeting every Sunday evening. We laugh.

I finished a graphic novel and am now reading The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah. That takes place in my blog of “goods” because my friends had betrayed me for a long time. Since the beginning of this horrendous ordeal I have not been able to focus on a single page of a book. I have written plenty, read none.

Last evening was special when our first born treated us to a lovely dinner with her first ‘real’ paycheck. I get emotional easy these days but as she pulled the check close to her to pay, I choked up. Her grandparents would have been so proud. I also had a pang since I shared all the milestones of my 2 children with their grand parents and this I can not.

Sean and I drove out to water front to have a morning together on Sunday.

Soon we will be going back full time to the branch. I am ready and it will be good for me. It helps if I move all the time. And work is a place where I feel my life is unchanged.

Ryan successfully finished his first week of Summer Biology and is urging a few of his friends not to quit summer classes even though the teachers are teaching an academic year long course within six weeks and the load of work is intense. He got accepted to be a Peer Educator for younger students in his school and I think he is very well suited for this job.

I have started listening to music again. It was bitter sweet since I listened to all the songs that baba loved and sang along. I was cooking as I listened to Hemanta’s golden voice. I cried with every song as I remembered baba’s voice yet it brought some respite.

I get happy speaking to Gouri, Breshpati, Khushi and mashi who are holding the fort for me back in Kolkata. I don’t really want to talk to many people right now. I do love talking to those women. I feel the essence and love of my home through them.

It is a joy to see Khushi’s smiling face peering through the camera.

This morning I got the news the man I entrusted to get ma’s death certificate has been able to collect it. It is strange that it is a part of “goods”. It is though since acquiring it was quite a process.

Obstinate ma plant is blooming a vibrant red.

Sometimes I struggle to write this post as often nothing seems good but when I end up writing it, the list of ‘goods’ surprise me. I hope your list of ‘goods’ is also long. Have a great week, all.

The “goods” in the week of June 14th.

Since I started working I have had less time to write. I did not jot down the “goods” this week as they happened. So writing from memory which, unfortunately, is not a reliable source anymore.

I continue to enjoy Bengali delicacies, thanks to my cousin. It has been great therapy working in the kitchen with her. She has cared for me with all her heart during my time of bereavement. We organized my closet, went for walks, cooked, cleaned, talked, remembered.

I am slowly figuring out how to maintain my affairs in Kolkata till I can get back. I am still waiting for death certificates of my parents.

I get immense joy talking to Gouri, Breshpati and Khushi every week. They loved and cared for ma, baba and when I talk to them I still get the essence of my parents.

I asked Khushi, who is in grade 1, to watch less television and read more. She read The Ugly Duckling to me and I was amazed at how well she was reading. In 2019, when I last saw her, she was just sounding out words. It is simply wonderful to watch children grow. She also did some pretty artwork and her mother vouched for her – she has cut down on screen time.

I dyed a strand of my hair fluorescent green. Sean calls it the wicked witch of the West color and I love it.

Work continues to be a place of comfort and respite from pain.

I got to eat lunch with my dearest friend at work. She lost her dad last year and we found solace in each other’s company. Sharing our grief helped.

My flowers are still radiant and my obstinate ma plant has bloomed a vibrant red again.

We celebrated Sean on Father’s day. A few years ago I had asked him what were some of his favorite things in life. He said, “Being a dad.” My children are very lucky. Sahana made breakfast and Ryan made oreo cheesecake.

I laughed at the memory of baba on this day. “Happy Father’s Day, Baba!” I wished him. He always got discombobulated at this greeting and often responded with “Hmm…same to you!” Ma yelled from the background, “Arre, thank you bolo!” (Say thank you.)

I start my mornings by staring at their gorgeous photos and trying to come to terms with reality.

Have a good week everyone.

The “goods” in the week of June 7th.

This week was a difficult one. There were times when I experienced some I-can’t-breathe moments. I wondered if I could write the “goods” blog this week since nothing seemed really good. However, when I dug deep this is what I found:

One of the donors in Sean’s organization had written us a kind note committing financial help towards efforts in fighting Covid in India. This week, I was told, they have donated $50,000 to help India fight Covid in my parents’ memory. That money is going towards PPE and to health centers in rural areas of India where need is also great.

Another Foundation Board member of Sean’s organization had special mass said for my parents in their church.

Ryan exceeded our expectation in his final report card for his sophomore year. This year was hard with online school. He said he felt unmotivated and struggled a bit. However, he worked hard towards the end and brought up his GPA significantly.

Sahana started working at a library in their outreach program as well as Starbucks. She brings us free drinks and coffee.

My cousin sister is a great cook and we are eating very well. I cherish her companionship and our shared memories of growing up together.

Right after I wrote the blog about my obstinate ma plant, it started blooming. I guess ma’s alter ego, the geranium plant, was done with my questioning and complaining . She decided to bloom again.

A friend first talked about dead heading in her garden. I had no idea what she was talking about till she explained that it was getting rid of dead leaves and flowers from plants to enhance growth. I am diligently dead heading my plants and I do see the difference in their blooms.

My coworker gave me a lovely container pot of cilantro, tomato and basil. The plants all look vibrant and happy. They are ready to be harvested and I am thinking of recipes.

We went to the movie theater after ages to watch In The Heights.

I have been craving to be near water. On Saturday we went to see the great falls. Standing in front of such power humbled me. I searched for my parents’ energy in the power of the falls. We come from water and we go back to water.

I have started reading The Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda. Since I am of little faith, I do not believe in the miracles or rather, I am having trouble believing in the miracles he writes about however, I do like the footnotes where the meaning of Aum etc are explained. It talks about the power of good wishes and I believe in that.

Sahana downloaded an app for meditation on my phone. I intend to try.

Going back to work has been a blessing. At work I can pretend my life is normal. And I lose myself in completing my work. I feel like I have lost my joy but that is ok for now. I enjoy being in the company of my coworkers, I love helping customers and I enjoy doing background work and research for my classes.

Every morning I step out to say good morning to my plants with my coffee cup.

When I list my “goods” I see my blessings in a week that was not very uplifting and that is one of the “goods” itself. I hope you all have peace, happiness and blessings.

The “goods” in the week of May 30th.

I was humming as I weeded. I was surprised when I realized I was humming. That is good, right? The fact that I am singing a song again while doing something?

I went back to work on June 1st. That was mostly good. On occasion I felt I did not want to do this, all I wanted was to go back home, sit on my reading chair and stare into space. However, I refocused on the job at hand and got it done.

My cousin has come to stay with us to help me live through this time. One day I came back from work to find a bowl full of peeled oranges and peeled lichees waiting for me. She went out with Sahana but left prepared food for me to eat. This gesture of caring made me cry and reminded me of ma, baba – but not in a sad way. It reminded me to be grateful for the love and care I continue to receive from my loved ones. I hope I am able to pay the kindness forward.

I was dreading my birthday this year. June 3rd was very, very hard. Yet my friends and family showered me with love. Sean came to pick me up from work with flowers. Instead of coming home right away, we sat on a bench and cried for ma and baba. I came home to a delicious meal of luchi, alur dom, fish fry, payesh, cookie cake and ice cream. Sahana cooked the entire meal under the tutelage of my cousin sister, her mashun. There were gifts of framed photographs of ma, baba in happier times, lovely dresses. And love, laughter, hugs.

My flowers continue to radiate beauty and joy.

I got so many hugs from my family at work.

A friend invited me over for tea. I surprised myself when I realized I enjoyed the evening.

Writing still helps me process and cope. It makes me cognizant of the forward progress in my journey of loss and the path to rebuild around this loss.

Many nights Sahana, Ryan, sister and I play a raucous round of ludo before bed.

On Saturday we went to a beach nearby. I looked for ma, baba in the gentle waves.

I have talked aloud to ma, baba sometimes. Mostly joked with them. I asked them what is the point of being dead if they can not part the traffic for me so I can zoom ahead of other cars.

My circle of love still surrounds me and I try to find ma, baba in each sunset, in the white clouds and the blooming flowers.

A dear friend sent me hug on wsapp on a day I was miserable. I needed that hug and I told her I was having a bad day. She said she was thinking of me and it must have been telepathy.

I desperately need something to look forward to. Searching.