The “goods” in the week of August 23rd.

I wrote so much after my parents died but now I do not feel the urge to write at all. I did not want to continue with writing the “goods” blog either but forced myself to do it since it makes me focus on all that is good in my life.

Sahana did a virtual interview for a job. Her door was closed and I could not hear the questions, but I could hear some of her responses from our living room. As I listened to my girl talk, I marveled at how eloquent she has grown up to be. How thoughtful, how introspective! I remembered the softness of her little body nestled in the crook of my arm, way back when, as I read books to her. Her eyes focused on the pictures, mind completely lost in the story.

I continue to laugh with my coworkers. It is a transitional phase at work and often, we have to sigh in frustration. But I work with such tremendously creative, adaptive and hard working people that despite everything, we know we are all in this together. How did I get so lucky?

A trip to farmer’s market once a week with friends is always a joy. Fresh bread, fresh vegetables, chorizo sausage…

In a couple of weeks, Sean and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary. I have known him more than half of my life and have been married to him for almost half of my life.

A dear friend had health scare but is on the mend after medical intervention.

Ryan got placed in varsity water polo. This stuff is important in this country. He is so excited. His sparkling eyes as he talks about defense and goals and assists make me smile.

He is moving into boarding this week. After being together for year and a half, I will miss him. However, I am happy for him. He is ready and so excited.

Ryan has grown several inches in a year and a half of pandemic. He is very close to baba’s height now. Last night at dinner, he said, “Dadai did not give me the chance to catch up to him and then grow past him. I can not lord it over him when I get taller than him. Very unfair!” It was sad but also heartwarming at the same time. These little things…

I took off from work for a couple of weeks. I hope to write blogs about what we do. I hope I have the motivation.

Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo is my book suggestion for the week. This novel-in-verse was soul touching.

Whenever I think of ma and baba, and I think of them all the time, their young, smiling faces come to the forefront. Not the faces as years went by and they got frail. It is interesting how mind sifts through the sadder memories and preserves the happy ones.

Hope your list of “goods” is long and you have a great week.

The “goods” in the week of August 16th.

This week had some unexpected “goods”.

It is always hard to come back from a vacation and go to work. Going back on Monday after a week long travel with Sean produced some groans from me. Sahana surprised me at work by dropping in with my favorite drink. That made the day so much better.

An elderly woman came in looking for books on immigrant experience. Naturally, we got talking. I mentioned I was an immigrant myself and am also very interested in reading about the experiences of other immigrants. After selecting a few of the books I suggested, she started heading towards the stairs. Then she came back to me and said, “I wanted to tell you, I am very happy that you are here.”

On that note, I just finished an anthology of essays called A Map is Only One Story. Twenty writers wrote short essays on “immigration, family and the meaning of home.” I could relate to some of the experiences written in the book.

I had some pleasurable interactions with customers, both in person and via email. They were helpful in reminding me why I love my job. I am afraid my love for the job is somewhat waning. I needed these interactions as a reminder to focus my attention on my customers.

I had an unpleasant conversation with an anti-masker at work. The man was trying to get a raise out of me by continuing with a pointless, circutitious argument about whether mask is mandated in county buildings (it is in our county) and if it is, am I going to throw him out as he was not wearing one. If I were not going to throw him out, the mandate meant nothing. We continued in this vein for quite a while as he became more and more belligerent. The “good” is how unaffected I remained at his aggressive behavior and ended the conversation with my final line. As I turned away from him, I said in my head, “Dude, I just went through hell in my life. Whatever you are doing right now – the belligerence, the aggressiveness is NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. You don’t scare me.” The level of trauma I recently experienced has made me intolerant of posturing fools complaining about first world problems like his right to not wear a mask in a building where mask is mandated.

On the 3 month anniversary (anniversary is a happy word though, I should think of another word to mark the death days) of baba’s death, Sahana picked me up from work and handed me a Cadbury Fruit and Nut chocolate bar. On the 3rd of every month, for as long as I can remember, baba bought me a bar of that particular chocolate when I lived at home. Even when I was 26 years old. After I left, he would buy me that chocolate bar every time I headed to the airport – either to go to Delhi or USA. He got paid on the 3rd of every month before retirement. Sahana remembered.

We watched the movie Respect in a movie theater on Friday. It is a biopic of Aretha Franklin. I give it a 7 out of 10.

Ryan cooked lobster claws and they were amazing.

I spoke to my mashi, who is closest to a mother figure in my life and I spoke to my cousin sister. They are my connections to home now.

I made a blueberry peach pie on Sunday to fortify us for the week.

Hope your list of “goods” is long. Have a great week.

The “goods” in the week of August 9th.

This was a vacation week so it was not only a good week, it was a great week. The losses still remained, the unanswered questions still lingered but I forced myself to simply focus on the moment that I was living. Just for this week. Please! For the most part I was successful. There was a night of sleeplessness and intense sadness but the “goods” in this week pushed the grief to a corner.

Sean and I drove down south for a road trip.

Our first destination was Raleigh, North Carolina. After fighting traffic we arrived at the city famished and found a delicious Indian and Nepali restaurant right across from North Carolina State University campus. After lunch we walked around college grounds.

Next stop was Durham and a walk around the campus of Duke University. The buildings are gothic and gorgeous.

We had amazing biscuits at True Flavor diner in Durham. I highly recommend if any of you are headed that way.

Biscuit with fried green tomato and pimento cheese.

On Sunday we drove down to Charleston, South Carolina. The waterfront park, the houses on Rainbow row, a long, hot walk along the historic district, a ghost and graveyard tour, a trip to Fort Sumter, Folly beach, Sullivan’s Island, more walking in the downtown, not to mention the scrumptious shrimp and grits, shrimp rolls and pulled pork, this city stole my heart.

On our drive up to Virginia beach, we stopped at Myrtle beach and then Wilmington, North Carolina. We had lunch at a funky restaurant called Mellow Mushroom right by the river in Wilmington. If you ever go there try their pizzas.

We arrived at Virginia beach around 9 pm. After dropping our bags at the hotel, we went out for a long walk.

The two days at Virginia beach were filled with lazy afternoons, some romp in the sea, leisurely strolls, lot of people watching and delicious meals at restaurants that were off the beaten track.

Those were “goods” of the week. The “bests” were a lot of laughter, lot of meaningful conversation, some tears, being together, being fully present in the moment, realizing, yet again, I am still hopelessly in love with the man I married.

Life is waiting with all of its sorrows and hopefully happiness at some point. This week was different.

On Saturday night I dreamt of ma and baba. Both were young, healthy and smiling.

Hope your list of “goods” is long. Have a great week.

Little things

Once the all encompassing sorrow recedes after a major loss, the wave of grief leaves behind little memories, which, like little pebbles, scratch open the scabs of the wound for some slow seepage of intense pain.

Little things like the absence of a daily wsapp message to ma “ki korcho?” (What are you doing?) And her unchanging response “TV dekhchi.” (Watching tv).

Little things like the urge to tell them about moments I loved or moments that made me sad.

Little things like something I read or a piece of music that all three of us listened to when I was young.

Little things about Sahana or Ryan. Things that only they would care about other than us.

Little things like opening up Facebook and checking if baba was active. If he was active, I knew he was well. The day after he contacted Covid, he went active on Facebook for a while. I turned to Sean and said, “He must be feeling better, he is posting on Facebook.”

Little things like checking when wsapp was last seen by ma.

Little things like teasing ma about timing my phone calls according to Rani Rashmoni’s show times on television.

Little things like planning our Kolkata trip.

Little things like connecting to the hotel wifi wherever we traveled and letting them know we have arrived wherever we were supposed to arrive. “Pouche gechi.” (We have arrived). And their response, “khub enjoy korish. Chobi tulish dekhbo.” (Enjoy a lot. Take a lot of pictures for us to see).

I realized these little things even more on our recent trip where the two anxious people thousands of miles away who waited for that message of arrival are waiting no more. My cousin sister, however, said, “I will be waiting. Write to me when you arrive.” So I wrote to her.

Little things like the constant realization that neither of them are physically there any more – living their life, showering me and mine with love.

Little things (not a little thing, this keeps me up at night) like I could not say goodbye when they left.

The “goods” in the week of August 2nd.

The weeks and days seem to blur for me and it is difficult to remember the “goods” of this week. Did that good thing happen this week or the last, that is the question. Anyway, here is an effort to remember the “goods”.

My book club met this week after 2 months. Last 2 months were horrendous and I did not have the mental bandwidth to prepare discussion questions for books. However, when we met and discussed our selection for the month of July, I realized how much I enjoy meeting with each of those participants every month. How much they enrich my understanding of a book by their insightful input.

One work day I had lunch with a dear friend and coworker. She asked me how I coped or continue to cope with my losses. She has both parents living but both are elderly and she shudders to think of the eventuality. So we discussed. Sharing my thoughts with her was cathartic. I will write a different post about that conversation.

I went to the farmer’s market on Wednesday with friends.

Sahana, yet again, cooked delicious fried rice for our lunches. I am grateful for her love of cooking as well as culinary skills.

We got to pup sit for my friend’s puppy. She is my therapy pup.

My flowers look lovely and the African daisies are in full bloom. So are the gladiolus plants.

All of a sudden, I received a gorgeous dish garden from florists. A coworker sent it to me saying she continues to think of me and prays for me every day. I thanked her. Grief is lonely but it helps when one is enveloped with love.

Ryan is enjoying a couple of weeks of free time and is hence much nicer to be around. I am even getting occasional hugs.

Lastly, Sean and I embarked on a road trip down south. We hit Durham and Raleigh. We are now in Charleston and will visit Virginia beach before heading home.

As Sean and I sang along to the Spotify list that Sahana gifted Sean with our favorite songs as we drove down Interstate 95, I realized how much I love being with the man I married.

Although thoughts of ma and baba are never far from my mind and although there are several moments of sadness off and on, I am happy to be away from home and seeing something new with my favorite person.

This morning I asked Sean if he minded me talking about my parents to him so much. Talking about them, even their death and my sadness, helps me. He said “Absolutely not.” His eyes teared up along with mine.

Hope your list of “goods” is long and hope you have a great week.

Wait, I am gonna cry….

The conversation was just general. Before the library opened, my coworkers and I were doing our regular work that we do every day to get the library ready for public. Between pulling online requests for materials we often chat, catch up, listen to music as we do our treasure hunt of books, cds, dvds. Two of my friends asked me about our plans for Sahana’s birthday and I began to tell them. Out of nowhere, I had an overwhelming surge of grief that overpowered me within seconds. Do you know the feeling when your nose starts itching and you realize a sneeze is coming? It was the same feeling except the stinging was in the eyes and sudden grief was suffocating. Instead of a sneeze, tears started rolling. If it was not so sad, it would be funny really.

“I am sorry, I am going to cry.” I said and I did exactly that. I started crying. And while I cried I walked towards the restroom for napkins and water. Once the tears eased up, I wiped my eyes, obliterating the carefully applied kajol in my eyes, splashed water on my face and joined my two friends. And they welcomed me back without making me feel even a tiny bit awkward. As if it is completely natural for someone to burst into tears between general conversation.

The point of this blog post is to acknowledge that I have some people in my life who simply take these outbursts in their stride and continue loving me. While I grieve my loss, they allow me the time to do so while standing by with their quiet love. I guess that is what friendship is all about. They don’t tell me not to cry, they don’t tell me to be strong. I am grateful that they allow me to be vulnerable but I don’t break because they hold me up with their love.

The “goods” in the week of July 26th.

Not just the “goods” but the best thing this week was Sahana’s birthday. Although it was a week day, we went out for dinner and watched a movie. I love to celebrate birthdays and this was the birthday of my special girl. I can not lie, the day was bittersweet. I shed a lot of tears and also felt an immense surge of love for life with Sahana in it.

Ryan finished his 6 weeks of summer biology on Friday. He ended up with decent grades and judging by his incessant chatter on the subject, some knowledge.

Sahana wanted a beach day with family for her birthday. So the four of us went to the beach on Friday.

Our youngest driver drove us to our hotel and there were just two white knuckle moments in the entire journey.

Saturday was perfect for a beach day. Sahana and I went to the beach while the boys lazed in the hotel room for a while watching Olympics before joining us.

I read next to Sahana on the sand.

Sean gave me a heart attack when he went to swim in the ocean and disappeared without telling me he was going for a swim. I thought he had drowned. I even spoke to the young lifeguard on duty. The “goods” is he did not drown. He came back and was even sheepish when I told him I was worried sick.

We had unexpectedly good Mediterranean food at the beach. And of course, ice cream.

It was good to be together without any constraints on our times.

I was craving to be near water since the loss. I was able to sit and watch the waves crash relentlessly. There is a belief life is like a wave, building up and then crashing before becoming one with water again. I thought ma and baba are back where they came from after giving me life and a lifetime of love.

Sahana drove us back. As I sat next to her and watched her navigate traffic and heavy rain I again wondered how quickly time passes.

I hope your list of “goods” is long and have a great week.