conviction – whatmamathinks

We have been inundated with kindness since tragedy struck our family. Along with good wishes, prayers, and after ma’s death, beautiful and meaningful messages of condolences, our friends and community have given us abundant food. Ryan has been very excited about the food part of the kindness. Every time he finds something he likes, he blows a kiss upwards with a smile and says, “Thank you Didiya!” Sahana said didiya would be so happy to see Ryan well fed and satisfied. She loved to see Ryan eat since he enjoys food so much.

I have seen Sahana grieve. She cries often, and smiles with me at Didiya’s fun memories. She has been my grieving partner whenever I have had time to grieve in between arranging for baba’s care. Sean has grieved openly as he held me in his arms and let me soak his shirt with my tears. Ryan is the only one who has retreated in his room. When we got the phone call at night all of us congregated on our bed. Ryan sat there for a long time while the three of us cried. I do not recall if he shed any tears. Then he went to his room. Since then he is less sullen and often compiles fun animal videos to show me. He also asks, “Mom do you need something?”

Today I had an opportunity to ask him how he is coping with didiya’s death. He said with a quiet conviction that didiya now is free. She is not stuck in that house with her mobility issues and health problems any more. She can go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. “I am happy she is not suffering and she is free”, he said. Also it is simply a matter of time before I will see her again. I know I will see her, you will see her. So we just have to wait and be patient.”

Then he said, “And mom, look how strong you are! Didiya’s death showed you what a strong woman you are!”

I wish I could prove my strength some other way, but the conviction of seeing her again made me smile. I told him I feel her in my heart. And he concurred that is wonderful too.

Do you remember your struggle at 21? Did you struggle to figure out where you are going and where will you end up? Or did you have a clear path ahead of you? I had no clear path. I took up jobs while finishing my education and flitted from one job to another for better pay because my family desperately needed money. None of those jobs required my education but in retrospect, all of those jobs prepared me for the job I do now. All of them honed my customer service skills and today I can say with certain amount of pride that my customer service skills are sharp. I got my Customer Service Specialist job at our public library due to those skills which I developed in the jobs that I took at random in my youth – desperate, directionless. Working at customer service at the library was my foothold, and once I was in, I interviewed for an Instructor and Research position which I was lucky enough to get. Now I use my skills and knowledge in what I do. I also use love. I have said before and I say it again, I love working at a library. My path, in terms of career, became clear later in life, after marriage, after motherhood. That is the story of my life thus far.

I now can look at the young adult in my house, somewhat in a similar position as I was at 21. She landed in this position because of the pandemic that disrupted the plans she had for herself. Being a planner, she had created charts and spreadsheets for the route her life was going to take, the classes she was going to take, her junior year abroad, senior year at campus, perhaps a job in the area or at the university as she looked for grad school. And then pandemic hit which cut short her year in Spain, brought her back home, her senior year was spent taking virtual classes in her tiny room, working a few hours virtually for her campus job. And just like that the path ahead of her became murky. What job was there for her after her degree? What is the path ahead? Where will life take her? Insecurities, uncertainties, ‘am I good enough’ – questions, concerns bog her down.

I look on helplessly at her despair yet I know in my heart and from the place I am in life, her path will clear. This internal struggle and feeling of helplessness will be a distant memory. The uncertainties and her ability to cope with them will infuse her with strength and when she looks back she will see these were essential to her personal growth. Life is hard as a young adult, the lost year of pandemic has thrown extra obstacles in their path with hiring freezes, job cuts. Graduates of 2020 and 2021 have been harshly tested and most of them will come out stronger.

Right now, I stay beside her as she flails and try to project my conviction that this struggle is necessary and temporary. Her path will emerge. She will chart her own course in life because she has what it takes to move forward. Conviction, strength, intellect. She is a mighty girl.