How can I be with it?


Every man should be born again on the first of January. Start with a fresh page.

Henry Ward Beecher.

The logical me always says January 1st is just another day and the emotional me disagrees.

Byartho praner aborjona puriye phele agun jalo, agun jalo…

Rabindra Nath Tagore’s immortal lines come back to mind on this day.

Rid yourself of the baggage in your soul, burn the light in your heart and let the flame soar. The celebration of New Year is more in my heart than in the popping of champagne. Refreshing the page of life on the first day of a new year.

I am done with resolutions, I say every year.

But this year I will make one. My resolution will be to be mindful of myself and whatever I do. To be mindful of my actions and all I love and all I touch. To be mindful of my imperfections, my pettiness, my anxieties, my concerns, my thoughts and my mortality.

And in being mindful, I want to explore how I can BE with it all. I want to know how to be with my actions and all I love and all I touch, how to be with my imperfections, my pettiness, my anxieties, my concerns, my thoughts and my mortality.

I want to be aware of the ground beneath my feet and the air that I breathe. I want to be fully present and focus on my children’s words, their thoughts, complains, hurts.

I want to be with my husband when I am there with him.

I want to be with my friends when I am there with them.

I want to pay heed to the little twinges in my body and learn to accept the decline instead of fighting it or denying it.

I want to be fully present in a situation no matter what lies next. I have realized through the years that without fully being present I am not fully living every moment.

I perhaps will fail to do so at all times. Life itself will interfere but I will accept my failure and learn to be with it and try again.

I wish you a refreshing new beginning, my dear readers. A new start, a positive energy and a time to look back and relish the achievements of the past and let go of the miseries. There is no need to make new resolutions but just be open to happinesses, no matter how small and the new possibilities. Also be ready to embrace new heart breaks and disappointments that perhaps lie ahead as well and think in your minds ‘how can I be with them all?’

That is a powerful question.

Almost home…


The preparation of going home to Kolkata starts almost ten months prior to the actual date. It starts with pinning my husband down to look at his calendar and give me some dates to work with. Then comes the intolerable stress and anxiety about finding the best price for tickets, looking at layovers, working out swim meet conflicts, assuring the competitive son that going to India is more important than swimming in the Divisionals. Finally, when the tickets are bought, thinking about and looking for gifts to bring back home. And while doing all this, pausing suddenly to savor the sweetness of a childhood memory, smiling at some inconsequential snippet of home that is precious to only me, being mindful of the soothing, calming, reassuring feeling that I will go home soon and I will bask in everything that is so familiar, yet somewhat different with the passage of time.

Driving to the airport, standing at the check in line, getting on the flight – I don’t quite mind. There is the hustle bustle of fellow travelers. The energy of others, at the beginning of the journey, energizes me. I see fellow South Asians and play guessing games with the family – which city do you think they are going to? I note with awe, the immaculately dressed and impeccably made up women getting ready to board a long flight. How do they look so good and will they look this good at the end of 24 hour travel, I wonder. Some actually do!

As I find my seat on the plane and buckle my seatbelt, I look around and grin foolishly at whoever catches my eye. My joy is contagious, I get smiles and nods back generally. And every time the flight starts moving for take off, I invariably say, ‘Here we go! Goodbye_______ (my hometown)! We will see you soon!’ The children haven’t chastised me about it yet! They smile indulgently at my enthusiasm.

As I feel the plane starting to descend, I grip Sean’s arm and smile, despite the terrible ear popping, ‘Half the journey is over, dude” The lay over is spent walking around whichever airport we are transiting from, looking at duty-free goodies and eyeing the chocolates. Then it is time to get back on the next plane again. This time, the flight is full of Bangla speaking fellow passengers, saree or salwar kameez donned, brown-skinned, small boned, familiar! I eavesdrop shamelessly, butt into conversations unwanted but soon get accepted. The common topic of discussion, generally is ‘Kotodin por deshe jacchen?'(How long has it been since you went home) ! Desh….motherland…a word that fills me with a warm and fuzzy feeling of belonging.

I bear the 24 plus hours of travel in relatively good humor. I smile and nod ecstatically at the grumpy immigration officials at Kolkata airport. I seem to want to impress upon them that the entry stamp that they so nonchalantly pressed upon my passport is so meaningful to me. They are the gatekeepers who just opened the door to the enchanted land where my past is waiting for me.

I turn into a very disagreeable person at the baggage claim, I confess. Every second there seems intolerable. My husband feels my irritation, he massages my back, smiles kindly, tries to distract with conversation, yet I remain irritated. Each time this interminable wait to retrieve our luggage becomes unbearable. So close, yet not quite there. I politely harass the young airport officials, ‘Bhai eto deri hocche?’ (Brother, what’s taking so long?). Invariably, the carousel gets stuck and I mutter under my breath.

I do all this because just behind the wall stand two humans who I simply can not wait to see. They have been counting months and then days, like me, till our plane touches the ground. I know they have come early to avoid getting stuck in Kolkata traffic and I know that as every passenger goes out of the terminal, their eyes brighten with hope. And then dim again. It’s not me, yet. Not us. They are the treasurers of my childhood and youth, they keep my memories tucked away in their treasure chest and guard them with love and longing. They are the ones who smile wistful smiles at my ‘remember when’s. They are the only two people who ever so eagerly await my arrival and shed tears at my departure.

Finally, when our luggage is gathered we push our cart to the exit past the custom official, my eyes scan for those two beloved faces as the children run ahead. This reunion happens every twelve months and I am parched for their presence. When I see them, or they see us, my father’s face is a combination of relief, joy, excitement, happiness. His face seems just about ready to burst with all these emotions. My mother is more expressive, she smiles from ear to ear, squeals our names, comes forward to envelope the grand children in a bear hug, and then hugs me fiercely with unspilt tears of happiness glistening in her eyes. My father gives me an awkward side hug (hugging doesn’t come naturally to him), he hugs his grandkids and shakes hand with his son-in-law.

He, then, gets busy warding off unsolicited help from airport porters, calls the driver of the rented car that will take us home. My daughter, who is fluent in Bengali, claims Didiya (grandma) and narrates all that happened on the flight. Little Ryan is generally shy, unable to speak the language, stands quietly with a shy, tired smile. Didiya notices and takes his hand. His little hand willingly disappears in her grasp. He nods and smiles mostly while his sister talks nineteen to the dozen. In the car, as we head home, Ryan slowly reaches out and touches Dadai’s (grandfather) shoulder giving him a little nudge. Dadai nudges him back with a conspiratorial smile while I blink away some unexpected tears at this silent communing.

Finally, my two worlds meet.

Kalighat


This post was written by my husband, Sean Callahan, in 1994 when he first arrived in Kolkata. I plan to write a post about his experiences in my city. His perspectives – as an outsider. I discovered this journal in old papers, and with his permission, I am posting this in my blog site.

Sean writes….

As I entered, I noticed he was gaunt yet tranquil. But when I returned moments later still tying my smock, they were lifting him from his bed to a stretcher. They then folded the sheet over him and placed him by the door. As he lay there peacefully, a man scrawled on the little blackboard “death on bed 34”. I turned away confused, helpless, bewildered – shouldn’t we have taken a moment of silence, some words, a prayer; shouldn’t we cry? What about his family? Instead I picked up another plate of puffed rice and a glass of water, and I handed it to another gaunt man sitting in the corner on the concrete floor.

Good morning! It’s 07:30 am and I have begun my day by attending Mass at the “Mother House” of the Missionaries of Charity at 06:00 am (30 minute walk), and then taking a bus to Kalighat. The Kalighat home is the first home started by Mother Teresa in Calcutta. At the Kalighat home the Missionaries of Charity along with some volunteers like (yours truly) tend to the basic needs of the dying. In fact, this is a home for the dying.

The men, mostly old, sick, and abandoned, ate slowly and they occasionally grunted something in Hindi; to which I promptly responded by bringing them more rice, water or tea. Somehow, we communicated and they ate more quietly. As they finished we (the volunteers) collected their metal bowls and cups and we formed a scrubbing circle in the kitchen. Bob gave the first rinse, Christopher applied the detergent, and Rich gave them a final dunking and then stacked them by the (now) dirty tubs of water where we worked. As the “system” got going we began to enjoy the rhythm of the work. We were finishing the plates of the 48 men we served breakfast for, when some women came in with an equal number of metal bowls and cups. Although the home was segregated (male/female) out of a sense of dignity for the ‘guests’, the volunteers joined together in the kitchen to perform the menial, yet essential, tasks.

I was pleased by our successful completion of Phase I – breakfast and kitchen duty, but I was apprehensive about Phase II – bathing. As I entered the ward, a MC brother (the Missionaries of Charity have Brothers, Sisters and Priests, as part of their order) signaled me to carry a skeleton of a man the bathing room. As I entered the room, the man protested and moved around uncomfortably. Since I couldn’t understand him, I looked toward the MC Brother who nodded towards the bathroom. “Wonderful”, I chuckled to myself perversely. I carried #48 (many of the men have no names since they have been abandoned and often can’t communicate even with the local linguists) to a trough with holes periodically placed. As he rested his legs to the sides of the trough, I held his upper body until the deed was done (“Are we having fun yet?”). Back to the bathing room. where the MC Brothers cleaned these men, who, by now were covered with their breakfast and excrement. As I placed #48 on the tile bench, I was signaled to carry out a man who had just been bathed. I carried this naked and dripping man to the main room where we dried him, clothed him and returned him to his cot (which in the meantime had been cleaned by some other lucky volunteer or MC Brother). This process continued for 30 minutes – one man after another – until all 48 men were clean. The women, of course, performed similar functions on the other side of the home.

Phase III – laundry. Again, I was a bit apprehensive about washing the clothes of these men as they truly needed to be washed (if you catch my drift). Anyway, we set up our assembly line: heavy detergent soak, light detergent soak, rinse, and the roof to dry. I, unfortunately, was assigned to the rinse and wring section (I started getting the feeling that these people of slight/small build were trying to take advantage of my ‘brute force and ignorance’). Despite my apprehension, the washing was O.K. But just as we were finishing, a man came in the kitchen (now the laundry room) and signaled me to come. “Me?” I questioned, looking around. “Yes, carry body,” he replied. “Oh”, I thought, “another man needs to go to the bathroom”. But as I left the kitchen, the stretcher with the folded sheets caught my eye. I looked at the board again “Death on bed #34”. Sister Dolores (previously stationed in Latin America, New York and Baltimore with Missionaries of Charity) was talking to two men, as I approached the stretcher. Since I was concerned about the formal goodbye, I guessed this was somebody’s way of giving me more time with #34. There was a small box on top of the sheet which I thought might have been his possessions, but one of the MC brothers said, “Open it.” I lifted the sheet, it revealed a small body born/died last night. I turned to MC Brother who said, “He is from the children’s center. They send all the dead to Kalighat. Last week we found 5 babies in a plastic bag.”

I carried #34 and the tiny box to a van, and I accompanied them through the crowded streets to the Police Station for the processing of papers. They have no name, no family, no one. They were taken in by the MC’s, given food and clothes, bathed, and given love and joy. They were given PEACE, before they died. The Police’s approval allowed me to carry #34 and the small box through the street and down a long alley. I felt the eyes of the crowd in the street as they watched this foreigner carry the stretcher to the back of a temple. I, then. lifted #34 onto a pile of ashes near a wall and I placed the small box on top of him. The man accompanying me then took a metal stretcher and placed it against the wall to shield the bodies from the vultures that hovered overhead. I returned to the home with the empty stretcher.

Phase IV: Medical Treatment: This included holding the men as the MC Brothers cleaned and treated their open sores and wounds. Again, I became confused as I had to overpower frail and sick men while their wounds were treated. Some struggled, some screamed, others just cried. They had been beaten (cane and whipping scars), broken (one man’s back), and infected (worms, TB, bone infections, etc). It wasn’t pretty, but I could tell they knew they were being cared for. They may never have been treated with such love before.

Lunch time, and the process resumes: Serving, cleaning, caring. I lucked out again – garbage duty. All the waste was placed in a vat that Rich and I carried on a bamboo pole. We proceeded down the street from the home with the viewers again searching us. When we finally dumped our cargo, a woman (barely dressed in rags) scared the dogs away so she could have first choice.

The plague, TB, cerebral malaria, and leprosy are always on my mind when I volunteer in a home, visit families in the city or see a rat scurry by, but for some reason, it is an awareness – not fear. Although sickness (and mortality) maybe more prevalent due to the socio-economic and environmental conditions of those with whom CRS works, I feel somewhat secure that the risk is relatively small. I must admit that I do wonder with each infection, if it is something that would be catastrophic for me, is a visible and regular occurrence for my neighbors in this city.

My ‘Oh so international’ look!


Once I left India, at the ripe old age of 26, I realized I could file a claim to be a citizen of the world. Solely due to my very international looks. I assure you, I am not bragging. I have ample proof to support my claim! Seriously! Here are some stories.

I was ‘fresh off the boat’ and waiting for the INS to issue my employment papers. As I wrote in one of my earlier blogs, around this time, I was scuttling around Baltimore, avoiding eye contact with locals because I didn’t understand a word they said. Trying my best to decipher what the sweet ladies said to me at Lexington Market as they handed me a loaf of bread and I handed them the money, or the homeless man, at the corner of the street, who greeted me every morning. I was itching to do something other than walking around Inner Harbor, frequenting the Enoch Pratt free library and trying new food every day. Looking back, that does not seem like a bad life at all! Why, in the world, was I itching to do anything else??? A friend asked me if I would like to volunteer at the Hispanic Apostolate, teaching English to Hispanic immigrants. I jumped at the opportunity. I went to meet the director of the program, a sweet, elderly nun, whose name, my swiss cheese brain, didn’t retain. She wasn’t at her office so I decided to wait. In a little while she came in, looked at me and started talking to me in Spanish. Alarmed, I exclaimed, ‘Uh, no Spanish, no Spanish. Only English!’ She took a good look at me and said, ‘oh, sorry! You look like you could be from one of the Latin American countries! Where are you from?’ That was not the first time that I was mistaken for a Latina, while I volunteered there. Just sayin’. So there we go, we have covered entire Latin America. Moving on.

On the streets of Baltimore, I was mistaken for an African-American, more than once. Then we went to Thailand. It was before Christmas, Thailand is a shopper’s paradise, so we decided to do our Christmas shopping in the markets of Chiang Mai. It would be good to mention here that my husband absolutely loves to bargain. He is shameless when it comes to bargaining and sometimes I pretend I don’t know him. I loathe bargaining. So before we hit the street shops of Chiang Mai, we made a pact that he will do all the haggling, I will merely choose the stuff. What transpired in the shops was later related to me by my husband, Sean. As we entered a shop, Sean got into business while I just looked around. I heard the conversation between him and the shopkeeper, a sweet old lady with very bad teeth. I am not observant at all, but I always notice bad teeth. Sean was completely embarrassing me by quoting terribly low prices, the shopkeeper said things to him in broken English and then somethings in Thai. I could care less, I was almost switching to the mode of disowning my husband temporarily. Finally, Sean threatened to leave, the shopkeeper, of course, acquiesced and started putting things in a bag. I came back to stand next to Sean. The shopkeeper smiled at me and said to Sean, ‘You marry Thai?’ Sean said, ‘She is not Thai, she is Indian!’ The lady was taken aback, ‘You not Thai???’ She asked me. ‘No, I am Indian!’ She pointed to my face and then hers saying ‘Thai, Indian same, same!’ Supposedly, when Sean was being terribly mean to her about prices of her ware she was looking in my direction and pleading to me in Thai to talk sense to my man! Since I wasn’t paying attention to the scenario, I completely ignored her! After that whenever we went shopping during our stay in Thailand, Sean sported a ‘don’t mess with me, I am here with a local chick’ attitude. I think we benefitted financially from my ‘Thai’ look in Thailand.

Next venture was in Bali, Indonesia. Yes, I fit in there too, as Balinese. In Ubud, a young woman was trying to sell timeshare to us. She got very excited knowing I was from India. She held my hand saying, ‘oh, I am holding the hand of a person who comes from the land of Shahrukh Khan!’ Then she wanted to know how solid Shahrukh’s marriage was to Gauri Khan. How strange! Non-Indian readers, Shahrukh Khan is a Bollywood actor. In our travels together, especially in South Asia, Sean always gets a lot of attention. He attributes that to his irresistible charm and natural good looks, I attribute that to his white skin. White skin is a precious commodity, where I come from. I do get a cursory glance, sometimes a curious look, who is this local woman the white guy is hanging out with. In Bali, the young woman made me feel pretty good about being from Shahrukh’s land. Thank you Shahrukh Khan.

Same thing happened in Egypt. ‘Oh, you are from India? We love Amitabh Bacchan! Do you know him?’ No, I don’t know him but I am so glad he has made India a household name in the far lands of Luxor, Giza and Sharm el Shaikh! In the old city of Jerusalem, people got excited knowing I was from India and shook my hand. I don’t know why, I kind of know why, but we will not talk politics in my blogs!

Recently, I had to go get my blood drawn. I try to joke with technicians when I get my blood drawn, or my ultrasound done, or the hated mammogram done. The simple reason being nerves. Generally, I am met with a courteous “keep your mouth shut lady, and let me do my job” kind of grunt. But this gentleman was very nice. He played along like he got my jokes. He then asked if I was from Philippines. Another feather to my hat. ‘No, I am from India!’ I said. ‘You know, I thought you could be but didn’t hear the sing-song in your voice, so wasn’t sure!’ he said. Sir, you are stereotyping here, I wanted to say but I didn’t. He was a nice man.

Anyway, as you can see I am taking great strides towards becoming a world citizen very soon. Someone who cannot be contained by borders (by the way, the previous line is kind of borrowed from Jhumpa Lahiri’s “Namesake”, love that concept). Now, I am only waiting for someone to mistake me for a Caucasian, then my journey would come close to completion. Gee, I wonder why people haven’t made that mistake yet!

Crushes


Last night, the dinner table conversation was about crushes. Since I have a preteen girl, the conversation does veer to romance and crushes from time to time. But only when daddy is traveling. Daddy, for some reason, doesn’t enjoy any talks of “boys” from his daughter. What’s up with that? It sure is coming!!!! He kind of gets grumpy, pretends he didn’t hear anything and says to me “We probably shouldn’t be encouraging her to talk about such things!” Encouraging her????? Does she need encouragement to talk about the crushes her friends have on boys! Yes, mind you its never her, it is always a friend or the other.

So last night at dinner, she started telling me “crush” stories of certain friends. I nonchalantly posed the vital question “What about you, girl? Do you have any crushes?” “Oh no! Nobody is cute enough for me to have a crush on!” That answer should have been reassuring to a mom, but…and that is a big but, because it was accompanied by a mysterious, shy smile. So I probed further. Nothing. When I was ready to let it go, the boy, who was intently focussed on his food, chimed in “Well, when I was 3, Sahana told me in my ears that she kissed a boy!” Ryan was 3 three years ago! I looked incredulously at my daughter, who was laughing uncontrollably, saying “I did NOT!” Of course, then this follows “Yes, you did!” “No, I didn’t!” “Did too!” “No, I DID NOT!” Till I say, “Quiet, both of you! Eat your food!”

Then the bomb drops “Mom, did you ever have crushes growing up?” I firmly believe in being honest, without going into minute details. So I said, “Yes, I had a few crushes. The boys didn’t know, I was too shy, but yeah!” The son looks up from his food, and that is huge, believe me. That kid never looks up when he is eating. The daughter says “Wow, I can’t believe YOU ever had crushes! Hahahahaha! So funny! I can see daddy having crushes and all, but you?????” Talk about being crushed. “Why can you see daddy having crushes and not me?” I asked, playing defensive. “Well, I don’t know, daddy just seems….” She doesn’t finish.

Ouch! Time to shed the matronly sweat pant sweat shirt attire and reach for that make up box, mama!

Here we go


My first step in the blogging world. See if it works. Wow! It did! Hmmmmm! What now? What do I write about? While researching how to write a blog, I read one should blog about something that one is passionate about! Where do my passions lie? That’s a tough one. Once upon a time, I was passionate about a few things, acting, traveling, writing. Then I fell in love, got married, had children. And my passions went hibernating. But this blog is not about self pity! Oh jeez, I lost myself after the kids came. No siree! Loved every minute. Well, you know what I mean. Didn’t really love, love every minute!! That’s stretching it. Didn’t really love the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the dirty diapers in the middle of the night etc etc etc. But did love the dimpled cheeks and the chubby thighs. Loved the different stages of growing up and the innocent questions, loved the cuddles and the belly laughs.

Oh dear! This always happens. I frequently get carried away when I start talking about the kiddos. Oh well! This blog, like many other mommy blogs, is probably going to be about the different things my children do to make me laugh. I don’t know why anybody would want to read them or be interested in them. They would be my online journal kind of a thing.

Time to sign off. Warmth of my bed beckons. As long as I can publish this I am set. First time and all.