Sahana has been writing a lot during the pandemic. She shared some poems with me and gave me permission to share with the world. Here is one.
It’s been hard to leave my bed,
Not because I’m depressed,
But this time because emerging from the cocoon of warmth without a shell,
Kafkaesque, to protect the softest parts of me,
Means I risk getting hurt, tearing something on a sharp edge,
Loose threads being tugged away without my knowledge or consent,
By the news or the flashing screen of my phone, lighting up with notifications
That just bring me dread now, honestly, after years of craving their validation.
It’s the shit I don’t wanna see, don’t want to know how many we’ve lost,
Don’t want to feel the weight of the lives we’ve built crumbling before my eyes,
Feeling like my metamorphosis was forced into an untimely pause.
I had been blooming into something, I’m sure of it.
Something bolder, the way I had always hoped,
No chip on my shoulder, learning how to walk again,
No hand holding this time, there was no need
No pressing expectation holding me by the throat and pinning me to the wall,
Rather, gentle hopes, laying me down, soft hands holding cheeks,
Looking me in the eyes and telling me I could.
But she couldn’t stay, hope was needed in other people’s hearts and I had a home to go to.
But when my mother, father, brother, huddle outside my door and ask to be let in, I can’t speak,
The pincers in my mouth choke down any cries for help and
The weight of my body pulls me through my bed on the floor,
Devastating dreams and I want to wake up,
But I know waking means looking in the mirror.
Waking means seeing that it’s real.
It means, knowing and going through the same paces,
Wanting to live the life I had in my grasp and had taken away from me.
I pace in a liminal state, subway station, under the earth,
Waiting for the character development or even better, an eventful end.
But the dreams don’t stop and the living doesn’t either,
Almost at the break of dawn at every turn, but the sun slips back under the horizon,
So I sit with the tired times, and wait for a new morning, sometime.