Mama’s Birthday Bash – Edinburgh (on my birthday!)

“Half a capital and half a country town, the whole city leads a double existence; it has long trances of the one and flashes of the other; like the king of the Black Isles, it is half alive and half a monumental marble.” – Robert Louise Stevenson

Edinburgh News informs us that “Despite being set in London, Stevenson’s famous tale of Jekyll and Hyde is thought to be heavily inspired by Edinburgh because of this ‘double existence.”

We did not have to wake up at the crack of dawn on my birthday because our first activity – historic tour of the Royal Mile by Mercat tours was not till 10 am. I woke up to lovely birthday wish from Sahana, got dressed for the day and left our apartment for a full Scottish breakfast at Edinburgh Larder. We had heard the restaurant was popular and often, there were lines to get in. Fortunately, we had arrived early enough and found 2 seats right away. We shared a full Scottish breakfast between the two of us, complete with haggis (savory pudding made with sheep’s heart, liver, lungs, oatmeal), blood sausage, toast, eggs, mushrooms etc. Neither haggis nor blood sausage tasted good but at least we can claim we had Scottish breakfast. It was a gastronomic experience. After breakfast we had time to kill before our tour (and also needed a bathroom) so we bought a coffee at Starbucks and waited.

The walking tour was truly informative and also entertaining. Our guide, Veni, was witty and knowledgeable. We learned a lot about the history of Scotland, and especially, the Royal Mile which extends between the Palace of Holyroodhouse at the bottom to the Edinburgh Castle at the top. Don’t let the name fool you. Scottish Mile is longer than a regular mile. We were told the Royal Mile in reality is 1.13 mile which is supposedly old Scots mile, different from English mile.

Our tour ended at the Edinburgh Castle. Veni took us inside the castle, told us about the history of Scotland and the castle’s significance in its history and left us to our own devices. The weather was funky that day. There was constant interplay of rain and sunshine. The wind, however, was constant. Sahana wrote in their note that it was ‘windy af’ and I will include that to make you understand how windy the day was. We got wet and then the sun came out to dry us up till the rains came back to wet us again. Anyway, we took our time enjoying the views of Edinburgh from the ramparts of the castle. We stayed to watch the 1 pm gun shot that is quite a spectacle at the castle. We went in to the csstle’s cafe for some nourishment and found a table with a fabulous view.

From the castle, we meandered down looking for the Writer’s Museum which has exhibits of the three famous literary figures from Scotland – Robert Burns, Sir Walter Scott, and Robert Louise Stevenson. We looked at books, manuscripts, portraits and personal items of the three stalwarts of literature who hailed from Scotland.

Towards the end of our tour of the museum we both were getting very hungry. Instead of a birthday dinner, we decided to go for a sumptuous meal that worked as both lunch and dinner at an Indian restaurant called Dishoom where we got authentic Kolkata style chicken roll. I was elated! Although I had my doubts as we entered the restaurant as all the staff appeared to be white but the food was so good that I forgot all my doubts. It was indeed a delightful birthday meal. Sahana assured me that the people making the food must be desi.

After a good meal our spirits were high. We had to check out the Burns monument since we were supposed to catch our Hairy Coo tour bus next day from there for our day trip. We walked over to the Burns Monument and then to Old Calton Cemetery where we saw David Hume mausoleum.

We continued our walk to the new Calton cemetery. Since we were halfway there, we decided to see the Palace of Holyroodhouse where the Royal family still stays when they visit Scotland. On a whim, we decided to buy tickets (yet another treat from Sahana for my birthday) for the palace and explore the royal palace where English monarchs have stayed for generations since 12th century. The impressive front of the palace was bathed by sunlight when we visited and the limestone structure looked like it was glowing. We took an audio tour of the building and was amazed and awed by the history that we were witnessing.

When we came out of the palace, we looked up in the distance, we saw the famed volcanic peak, Arthur’s Seat. Not only was it majestic, it was also mind boggling that the stone and flint tools found there reveal human activity as far back as 5000 BC. When we had our fill of seeing and photographing Arthur’s Seat, we slowly made our way up the Royal Mile to go back to our apartment to rest for an hour before another Mercat walking tour. This time it was going to be an adult only ghost tour of the Royal Mile – Dead, Doomed, and Buried. This was another birthday gift from Sahana. I have asked for Ghost tours from my family as birthday gifts for the last two years. I am not sure what says that about me….

That rest was vital since both of us were so tired from walking all day. We saluted the Edinburgh castle visible from our balcony and plopped on the bed for an hour. With restored spirits and tired legs, we headed out to meet Shannon from Mercat Tours to hear about all the spooky tales of the historic Royal Mile. Decked in a black cape and adorned with fascinating orange and black eye make up, Shannon was an excellent guide who took us all the way down the Royal Mile regaling us with tales of murder and mayhem and ghost sighting (some in our group felt a presence. Alas, we didn’t). Then we went down the vaults of South Bridge and things started getting creepy with ghostly lights and confined passages. But this is what I love about ghost tours. Scarier the better.

We were really exhausted after the tour ended. We found ourselves again at the bottom of the Royal Mile and had to trudge uphill to get to our apartment. I believe we went up and down the Royal Mile at least 3 times that day. But we had to stop by yet another cemetery – Greyfriars Kirk and Greyfriars cemetery, since it was on our way.

I must say the light was fading and the cemetery started looking really empty and spooky,, especially after listening to incidents of paranormal activity from Shannon, so we slowly strolled out of it and continued on our way back. Sahana got hungry and Sainsbury, a popular supermarket chain all over UK, saved the day. As a final birthday gift, Sahana bought me my favorite – Cadbury Fruit and Nut chocolate.

With food and chocolate in hand, we climbed the Royal Mile again, came back to the apartment and ended our day and my very fulfilling birthday.

I think people should celebrate their birthdays exactly the way they want to – party, quiet time, spending quality time with loved ones, eating food of their choice. This year, I spent my birthday exactly the way I wanted to. I saw, I learned, I laughed, I experienced, I ate. And I shared all of that with one of my most loved ones.

Mama’s British Birthday Bash – London

“London opens to you like a novel itself… It is divided into chapters, the chapters into scenes, the scenes into sentences; it opens to you like a series of rooms, doors and passages. Mayfair to Piccadilly to Soho to the Strand.”– Anna Quindlen

“How about we go to England for your birthday?” Sahana asked me some months back. And I said, “Yes! Let’s go!”

It all started long time ago when Sahana was 2 or 3 years old. Every day after they came back home from preschool, we snuggled together and read three books. I am not sure who decided on that number but that is what we did. A life long love for stories and books sprung in their heart which culminated in a degree in English literature, a flair for reading, writing, and appreciating literature. I have always loved literature too. This year I decided to give myself the gift of a literary tour with my daughter to celebrate my birthday. And what a trip it turned out to be!

Sahana finished their work at 4:30 pm on a Friday and we started our journey at 5:00. Both of us were bursting with excitement and couldn’t wait for the plane to take off. The plane, however, stood at the tarmac for close to 3 hours due to bad weather. Sahana and I looked at each other and laughed nervously. We both hoped that this delay was not a precursor to what was to come in our travels. Since we had booked a direct flight and since nothing was in our control anymore, we both decided to take the delay in our strides and watch a movie while we waited for the plane to move. It did finally take off and we landed safely on the other side of the pond seven tiresome hours later.

Sahana had bought an eSIM from Vodaphone which refused to work when they tried to activate it at Heathrow airport. Fortunately, they were able to trouble shoot and it did finally work so we could navigate our way from Heathrow to our hotel Tavistock in the Bloomsbury neighborhood. Here is a public service announcement, readers. Do not activate your eSIM till you arrive in the country where you want it to work. Once the eSIM started working, Sahana expertly navigated us to the right platform from where we took a train heading towards Cockfosters. Cockfosters? Really? We both looked at each other and laughed. We found our hotel and were thrilled to discover that Virginia Woolf and Leonard Woolf lived at the premise of our hotel from 1924 till 1939. Our literary tour started with a bang.

We checked in, dropped our bags, splashed some water on our faces and ran out to explore the British Museum. It was already late afternoon and the museum closed within a few hours. It was just a few blocks from the hotel but the line to enter the museum was long. Would we make it in time? We joined the queue anyway. We made it.

What can I write about the British museum and what it houses? It was fascinating, mind boggling, anger provoking (for someone who belongs to a former colony of England and whose treasures were forcefully taken and now are exhibited in this foreign museum)……I am honestly running out of words to express how we felt as we stood in front of exhibits that have survived thousands of years. Our first stop was the Rosetta Stone. We stood there in silence for a while, unable to fathom the reality that we were truly in front of the object that unlocked the mystery of an ancient civilization and through which we could glean so much information about the ancient Egyptians.

We made our way to the Indian exhibits, Roman, Grecian, and of course, Egyptian.

As the guards started telling the visitors that it was time to close, we made our way out of the museum – speechless, sated, and also dazed.

And then started our endless walks. We walked all the way to Soho, ate delicious fish and chips, steak and ale pie, and sticky toffee pudding. Walked back to the hotel and crashed.

The next morning we left early and took the tube to a station close to the Tower of London. But we needed food to fortify us so we could spend hours touring the Tower. It was very early on a Sunday morning, and none of the restaurants or cafes were open so we had to make do with a very ordinary breakfast at a hotel and then walked the entire length of the Tower bridge. The Tower of London was not open yet.

We toured the Tower of London for over 4 hours. We spent the first hour listening to the fascinating albeit horrifying and gory history of the Tower told by a witty Yeoman Warder.

The Yeoman Warders have guarded the Tower since its construction and they guard the Tower still. After spending so many hours at the Tower, both of us were depleted of energy and needed sustenance pronto, which came in the form of delicious crepes sold right in front of the Tower. With crepes in hand we started walking towards the City of London or Londinium. Londinium or Roman London is believed to be the capital of Roman Britain during Roman rule. We sat in front of the Guildhall for a while to rest our legs and then went in the Guildhall where we saw the ruins of a Roman amphitheater which existed beneath the Guildhall. The number of centuries buried beneath the city is fascinating. We took our time exploring the area till our jetlagged bodies needed some spurt of energy to continue going. And strong coffee from a nearby Pret a Manger provided just that.

After a coffee break and a water break, we continued to walk till we found ourselves in front of St. Paul’s Cathedral. While we took in the beauty of the magnificent church, both Sahana and I paid close attention to the Bengali spoken by a family walking near us. We both looked at each other with joy. We heard Bangla! That would become quite commonplace during the entirety of our travel as many people from our part of the world travel to England to tour (or live) and we would hear Bengali, Hindi, Urdu and other Indian languages a lot. From St. Paul’s we walked to Leadenhall market (which failed to impress us), the Monument to the Great Fire of London. Then we slowly meandered across the (unimpressive) London Bridge and found a great Chinese restaurant for some very satisfying noodles.

The final act of the day was watching a performance of Romeo and Juliet at Shakespeare’s Globe Theater. We walked through Borough Market as we made our way to Globe Theater. Unfortunately, the market was closed. We would have loved to explore this open air market. It seemed fun.

The performance at Globe Theater and the Globe Theater itself were everything that we had hoped for. The theater and the way it is set up did give us an idea how audience enjoyed theater at the time of Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet is one of my least favorite among Shakespeare’s plays, but the performance gave me goosebumps. The environment, the iconic theater, the bard’s words, and the expertise of the actors – everything was superb. Sahana and I left the theater starry eyed and completely mesmerized. As we walked to a train station through the quiet Borough market, we animatedly discussed the play and the theater till we saw a fox stealing food from a rubbish bin right in front of us. A fox! In the middle of the city of London!

We came back to our hotel completely exhausted, completely satisfied, and so very happy that we were on this journey together. Mother and daughter discovering a new country where many of their idols in literature lived, experienced, felt, wrote.

We were leaving for Edinburgh next morning. I will write about our Edinburgh experience in the next blog. I will end this blog with our step count because we had fun looking at our steps and the number of miles we walked.

Average steps in London: 69,894

Miles: 27.94

Not a ‘happy heavenly birthday’ wish

I often see on social media that some of my friends who have lost their loved ones, post ‘happy heavenly birthday’ wishes to the departed souls on their birthdays. Today, on ma’s birthday, I can’t post that. She did not believe in so called heaven. An ardent reader and lover of Rabindranath Tagore’s work, she believed in what the bard said. Heaven and hell is right here, on earth and one experiences them in one’s lifetime. Spread kindness, spread joy, spread good feeling. Recognize and worship the divinity within you and in others. You be true and you will experience heaven in your soul. Anger, bitterness, hatred will delve you into the chasm of hell. One doesn’t have to die to experience either.

On her birthday, I am not wishing her a happy heavenly birthday. Instead, my hope is that her energy, which is indestructible, is lighting up the universe in brilliant hues today. I see the energy of both ma and baba in every sunset, in striking color of the fall foliage, in every shining blade of grass, in every wave crashing on the shore. I am sure there will be a stunning sunset in some part of the world today and I know my mother’s energy will add that extra shine to it.

A few of her loved ones celebrated her birthday when she was alive. Nature will celebrate her birthday today as her energy is one with this beautiful earth of ours.

On ma’s birthday, this is my wish – may all of us strive to be kind. May we have empathy. May we recognize and respect the divinity in each of us. These wishes seem like a naive dream as the carnage continues in the world. But what else can we do but hope?

Ma ceased to exist physically. She lives on in my heart.

PS: I read what I wrote and distinctly heard ma’s big laugh. “My energy will brighten a sunset?? I would rather sprinkle my stardust on shiny jewelry, clothes, brighten the lights of a shopping mall. I can spend a little energy on sunsets, flowers, and waves for your sake and your baba’s sake! Who are you writing about? Don’t you know me?” I can almost hear her laughing voice in my head.

Ma was very materialistic. She loved shopping, fashion, make up and lamented the fact that I did not. I love nature, she did not care for it. So all that I wrote about her energy brightening up the universe is what I want to happen. She is probably laughing her head off at the thought of it. But since she did the terrible job of gently going into the night, I get to do what I want on her birthday. Write whatever I want to happen. And I want nature to pour all its beauty into every corner for all of us to see. So there!

🤣🤣

A day of deep breaths and blinking away tears

I woke up with a soft kiss on my cheeks as Sean said goodbye before he headed to the airport. I tried my best to fall asleep but sleep eluded me. I was dreading the day. It is ironical that I dread March 2nd since it was a day of excitement and happiness in my life for many years. It is baba’s birthday.

Today was a day of deep breaths and a lot of blinking. As I drove to the gym, I felt my chest constrict with pain. I tried to breathe in, hold it and exhale slowly. No matter how much I tried to focus on the happy memories, all I could think about was the last few days of his struggle and my utter helplessness.

A few friends still remembered him. They wrote on his Facebook page. Khushi wrote too. She said she missed him so much. She hopes both of them are blessing her from heaven. I also read a passage from A.A Milne’s Winnie the Pooh where Pooh is having a very Difficult day and Piglet asks him if he wants to talk about it. Pooh doesn’t want to talk. So Piglet just sits with him. When someone is having a very Difficult day, it is wonderful to just sit with them. Perhaps that is what friendship is all about. I needed a Piglet.

I had a very Difficult day but I went about my life – gym, work, dinner, without Piglet. I got through it. Today brought back glimpses of the very painful place I was in. I am certainly getting out of it and I am sure tomorrow will be better and as years go by birthdays will hurt less. Grief is like the waves – it ebbs and flows.

It is my ma’s birthday.

I thought I would go to the local Kali temple after work to celebrate ma’s birthday. After their death, I did a ‘shanti pujo’ at the temple. I remember experiencing a fleeting sense of peace as the priest explained the path of the soul and me freeing them by saying, “Go in peace. Rest now. You don’t have to take care of me any more.”

I felt peaceful then but ma would have laughed out loud if I suggested a trip to a temple to celebrate her birthday. I simply can not wish this woman “Happy heavenly birthday, ma”. She did not believe in heaven. And if heaven exists, she certainly did not aspire to go there. She was a trouble maker, rabble rouser, a materialistic woman who had a loud laughter and lit up the room with her presence. She teased and laughed and loved despite many, many years of struggle that she had to go through. She was flawed, she was kind and she was my idol. She refused to fit into a mold. She loved me deeply and gave up a lot in life to provide me with the best opportunities that could possibly be provided. She wanted to give, always. She was a giver. My friends from both school and college came home and promptly went to chat with ‘kakima’ because despite all the hardships, ma had joie de vivre that appealed to both young and old.

On this day, every year, a boyal mach er lyaja (a fish) came to our house for her. If you are reading this, if you live in a place where you get boyal mach and if you like that fish, eat a piece in her honor. I don’t get that fish here. Sahana and I plan to hit the mall, watch a movie, eat Chinese food and celebrate her life-long love. The tradition of watching movie with moms continue, as Sahana pointed out to me this morning. I left my friends and adda to go to movie with ma. My friends joked, “Who goes to movies with their moms at this age?” I laughed and said, “I do.”

It is my ma’s birthday. This was a happy day in my life. I will try very hard to remember that this used to be a very happy day in my life.

Smiles

We celebrated Sahana’s birthday recently. After quite a while, the four of us went out for a nice dinner. I wore my mother’s saree, Sahana wore one of her kurtis and Sean wore baba’s punjabi. I felt we carried their essence with us that way and they were present as we celebrated the birthday of their precious Sahana. Ryan was entrusted to take photographs that day since he has the best camera app. He took some candid shots of me when I was smiling, or laughing even. When I looked at those photos, the joy I felt in those moments were palpable. There was a point in my life this past year when I did not believe I will feel that emotion fully. But I did. And that surprised me. Just as Mary Oliver said in her poem, Heavy, the joy on my face startled me – in a good way.

Next day at work, I took my friend aside and said, “I need to tell you something. I felt joyful yesterday.” There was a sense of wonder in my voice and I think she heard it. She said, “I am so happy to hear that.”

I have poured out my grief in my blogs. I will now leave this memory of joy too, here. If I can dissociate myself from everyday living, I can look at the tapestry of my life – woven with love, loss, friendship, laughter and joy.

Khushi’s 9th birthday

“The month of May is just awful!” Khushi, whose birthday is on May 27th, told Sahana during our recent visit to Kolkata.

“It is your birthday in May. Why is it awful?” Sahana asked.

“Didiya mamma and dadai died in May.” Khushi replied. Those are my parents, her adopted grandparents. Sahana told her despite those terrible losses May is wonderful because the world got Khushi in the month of May.

Little Khushi is 9 years old today. Every time I see her I marvel at her maturity and poise at this young age. Even at this tender age she sees her mother’s struggle to give her a chance at a better life and most importantly, she recognizes it. She knows that they live in extreme poverty and she is resigned to the fact that she has to go without. She goes to a school where her peers come from middle class background. She is a popular child, kind and well liked by others so she gets a lot of invitations to her friends’ houses to play. When she goes to their houses she sees how the other half lives. She can never invite them to her house because she lives in a tiny room where the bed takes up the entire space. There is no space to even move around. Her mother cooks somehow in a tiny space in the same room. Water leaks when it rains. They have to put a bucket underneath and stay up at night if the storm is too bad. She knows all this. So she never asks for anything. I sent her some gifts through Amazon. I have asked Gouri to buy her a cake. Every year my parents celebrated her birthday at our house with cake, pizza and gifts. Last year was a year of loss but this year I want to acknowledge that the world is a better place because little Khushi is in it. But she does not know any of it yet. I called her mother to keep all this a secret. I asked Breshpati if they are celebrating Khushi’s birthday with their family. Breshpati said, ‘Na didi.’ Money is short and Khushi knows it. She told her mom she does not need anything but if it is not too much would her mother make her pizza? She LOVES pizza. That will be the celebration – home made pizza. They do not have an oven. The pizza will be made on stove top.

On this day, I hope you will join me in blessing this little girl and wishing her a wealth of happiness in her life. And success – whatever is her measure of it. I am so very happy to have her in my life.

Birthday well spent

The sun is shining brightly on my indoor plants as I look up and steal glances at them while I type out this blog. I breathe easier today. I survived an emotionally wrought day yesterday – baba’s birthday. As I reflect upon it, I have a sense of relief that it is over and also that it was well spent. Baba, for as long as I remember, was an empathetic listener to the elderly. I remember, in family get togethers he spent more time with the elderly than with his compatriots. He sat with them in our extended family reunions and listened to their stories. He always said there is much to be learned from those who came before us. They need to be heard. When he and ma started their NGO, they would often help impoverished homes for elderly. While they donated much needed items and fed the seniors, baba listened to the stories of their lives.

Yesterday, at work, I got called to help a customer download an audiobook on her device. As I walked to the floor towards the customer, I saw that she was very elderly, wheel chair bound. Her hands shook as she tried to press buttons on her device. With her permission, I touched her tablet (although we are not really allowed to touch devices of customers) and did what needed to be done to get her the audiobook. She was so relieved and at the same time apologetic that she was taking up so much of my time. I assured her, repeatedly, that it is indeed my joy to be able to help her. I love nothing better than connecting book lovers to reading materials and I am honestly doing what I love to do. She smiled. After we successfully downloaded her book, she was thrilled and excited to listen to it once she got home. Her eyes are not what they used to be so although she’d rather read, she cannot these days so she has resorted to listening to audiobooks. She told me a little about her sons and grandchildren before we said goodbye. She was afraid she was going to forget the steps to download books in the future. I reassured her that help was truly a phone call away if that does happen. As I turned to leave, she said to me, “Honey, I thank you for your patience. You have been so helpful and kind.” As I walked back to my office, I thought what a perfect way to celebrate baba’s birthday. He would have loved to hear this story.

There were tears. Of course there were tears and plenty of them. And there was laughter too, remembering his idiosyncrasies and his wicked sense of humor. I went to the garden in the library where my coworkers donated 2 paver stones in my parents’ names. I stood there by him, remembering his lifetime of love for me, Sean and his grandchildren. After I came home, Sean wanted to go pay his respects to the paver stones too. So we went again. I did not have flowers so I picked up a leaf from the garden (did not pluck it) and put it on the stone that has his name on it. Sean touched the stone, said a prayer. We then went for a walk around the lake as the sun went down and the colors of sunset reflected on the calm waters of the lake. We ended up at our favorite Indian restaurant and talked about grief, closure and love over dal, paneer and garlic naan. Baba would have scoffed at the choice of food (vegetarian) but he would have loved the celebration.

Clenched

Loss is relatively new to me. It has not been a year yet. I hear from friends that we relearn to live around our losses eventually. I am learning. I have written a grief journal which I doubt I will ever be able to revisit. However, it helped immensely as an outlet to pour out my grief at the time as I was hurting so badly that I did not think it was worth living for a short while. I now know that life is worthy because life is fragile and short and beautiful (for the most part). I now know, thanks to books and conversations, that love, joy, friendships, grief AND loss is tapestry of my life. Recently, I read a book called The Guncle by Steven Rowley where he writes “Grief orbits the heart. Some days the circle is greater. Those are the good days. You have room to move, dance and breathe. Some days the circle is tighter. Those are the hard ones.” As days go by the circle gets greater, for sure. I smile at memories more and still tear up a bit that we will make no more. But when special days come up my whole body clenches in anticipation of tremendous pain.

Ma’s birthday on November 1st, 2021, was painful. Worse than the actual day were the days leading up to it as grief orbited very close to my heart, constricting it so much that I had trouble breathing. Baba’s birthday is coming up on March 2nd. I have been losing sleep over how much pain that will bring. I smile, though, at the memory of us wishing him happy birthday via video message and he responding with an uncomfortable laughter and a confused “hmm… same to you.” He was not used to being wished ‘happy birthday’ in English. His birthdays, in his days. were celebrated with payesh (rice pudding), blessings of his elders, sumptuous lunch and dinner. When I was little, I saved money to buy him a wallet and decorated a card. I don’t remember singing happy birthday to him growing up. The singing and wishing came much later and he never got used to it. He liked it though, which was clear from his beaming smile as his little grandchildren (and even when they grew up) sang to him. He just never learned the proper response. I don’t know how I would be on his upcoming birthday as he has ceased to exist (physically). Yes, I am all clenched up inside anticipating a surge of unbearable pain but maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe, I will make sure the memories I have with him are blessings. Maybe I will wake up that day and sing him a happy birthday anyway and I will remember his confusion……and maybe, I will smile.

It is a happy day!

Ma is not going to grow a year older today. And there is no point in wishing her happy birthday any more since she has crossed the realm when ‘be happy on your birthday’ is meaningless. In the years past, we wrote or made a video the night before so she got our “happy birthday” message first thing in the morning. The message brought on a big smile and a ‘thank you’ in a smile-soaked voice. I do not know where her soul went after her heart stopped beating. I grew up with the Hindu belief that our souls enter a different body and lead a new life after it leaves the old one. And this process continues till one attains moksha or nirvana. This thought is comforting. If that is true, then I hope her next life is much happier than the one she left. Also, the thought that energy is indestructible and ma’s energy surrounds me is also very comforting. But the point is I am not wishing her happy birthday. Instead I am claiming her birthday to celebrate the woman she was, the mother she was.

For the rest of my life I will not be wishing Ma a happy birthday but it will always be a happy day. So today, when tears threaten to blur my vision I have to tell myself it is a happy day. A happy, happy day.