Author: madammommy

Just reading and thinking...

Shaming the library worker


As an Instructor and Research Specialist at the library I work for, I have been shushed by customer before. I have a loud laugh and I was laughing loudly with some fellow loud laughers on the floor of the library. A man came up to us and reminded us that this was a library. Shh……We were duly chastised and left the area giggling like teenagers. I am not talking about that kind of shame in this blog.

I opened my email one day at work to find an email from a colleague saying a certain customer was enquiring after me since he has not seen me at the gym for a while. I fell off the wagon for a long while leading a sedentary life on my couch with a book in my hand. I did go for walks but not regularly. Life just seemed bleak and I lacked motivation to do much. When I read that email, I felt a twinge of annoyance and also laughed a little. I didn’t think much of it. I did see this customer at the gym when I frequented the place regularly. We always said hello. I introduced him to my husband and he introduced us to his wife. Then I stopped going and looks like he noticed my absence.

At the beginning of December, I went to the gym. The first step toward going is hard. I didn’t want to but the customer’s enquiry shamed me into it (kind of). I knew exercising is good for me and it was sheer laziness that was preventing me from doing more for my health. On the first day I did not see the customer. I was a little disappointed as I wanted him to know I came to the gym because he nudged me. On the second day, I saw him and waved from the elliptical machine. He came over with a big smile. “You came?” he said.

“Did you sign up for 12 days of fitness? You get a free t-shirt. You should sign up.”

Groan. What is that?

“Errrr, maybe.” I huffed and puffed.

Before leaving, I asked the trainer about it. He said we can work out for 12 days in the month of December and after 12 days we get a free t-shirt. The days of workout do not have to be consecutive. So I signed up. Not because of my health but I love free t-shirts. Once I signed up, I was committed. I am very goal oriented. Once I had a goal I knew I had to fulfill it. So I kept going back and I started seeing a difference in my energy and a tad difference in my body as well as mental health.

I got my free t-shirt.

Later in the month, I saw the customer at the library. I went to him and thanked him for shaming me into going to the gym. I have been going regularly and also got my t-shirt. He laughed and said that they missed us at the gym. Nobody knows me at the gym, so no one missed me. He is just a sweet person.

I have now made it my goal to go to the gym at least 12 days in a month. I have even printed out a calendar to put up on my refrigerator to check mark the days I go. A visual reminder, for me, is important for accountability and satisfaction.

Lastly, I will say this again – public libraries change lives. The catalyst for those changes may be librarians, library workers, or customers.

Mind’s eye


After 8 hours of bumpy ride on our third day at the safari, I decided to stay at the camp instead of joining Sean in an evening safari. We had left Enkawa camp at 6:15 in the morning after witnessing a gorgeous sunrise. We rode all the way to Mara river to see a glimpse of the great migration of animals crossing the river. We saw some dramatic escapadse as I wrote on one of my previous blogs. We waited for hours to see a leopard and finally came back to eat a late lunch after 2:30 pm. Caleb, our wonderful driver and guide, turned to us with his brilliant smile and said, “So, should we go out again at 4:30?” My enthusiastic husband said an enthusiastic ‘sure!’ The other couple in the van also committed to the 4:30 safari to see a sunset in the savanna. I declined to get on that van again. My back declined. Instead, I decided to spend the evening enjoying the vastness in front of my very own glamorous tent.

I wanted to take a nice hot shower, I wanted to take a book, sit outside on the porch and take in the beauty in front of me.

I did just that. After Sean left, I took a luxurious shower, washed my hair, moisturized my body, took my kindle and sat on the camp chair outside our tent to read. It is hard to focus on written words when nature revealed itself in front of me in its resplendent glory. I must have been immersed in the words of Abraham Verghese (I was reading The Covenant of Water) because when I looked up I was startled. Right in front of me there were some zebras grazing. You have to understand I am a city girl. I was raised in the congested city of Kolkata. I live in the suburbs of US now and I get to see my share of deer, fox, rabbits and birds, but I never thought in my wildest (haha, see what I did there?) dreams that I will be sitting close to zebras grazing right in front of me. I will always remember that moment.

The first day we checked into the camp, we saw three wildebeests resting under a tree right in front of our camp. That was a magical moment too till we realized that they come there every day looking for shade during the heat of the day. We became used to their presence, but had never seen zebras that close. When Caleb and Wilson, our driver and spotter, picked us from the airstrip in Mara, they said they will take us on a safari tour before taking us to the Enkewa camp. Within a few minutes we saw a male ostrich prancing not to far from us. We whipped our binoculars out to see the deep pink color of this hindside and his legs. Male ostriches, we were told, turn pink when they look for a mate. Right after that we saw herds of wildebeests and zebras. I remember that moment being full of wonder. We had never seen anything like this before. The next day, however, herds of wildebeests, zebras, topis. antelopes, wild buffaloes, and even families of warthogs would become commonplace. While we appreciated seeing them, we would consider them part of the landscape as we saw animals that did not make them as easily accessible as these others, like lions, elephants, jackals, serval cats, rhinos, cheetas, leopards….

There were so many magical moments. The first time I spotted something orange that turned out to be a pride of lions, or when Sean spotted tall heads of giraffes from a bush and we drove next to them as they calmly looked at us and continued eating. The sun radiating its last light on the scruffy grass of the savanna dotted generously by the dark bodies of wildebeests or striped zebras. The buffalo families glaring at our van in a hostile manner as we drove by them. The curious face of the momma hyena as it interrupted her feasting on a dead wart hog to look at us, the onlookers.

Since I read Wordsworth’s poem, I Wondered Lonely as a Cloud as a child, I ingrained within me these lines:

“For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

In my mind’s eye, I revisit these magical moments. On my walk this morning, my mind had wondered back to the moment when I first saw the ostrich right after getting off our little plane in Mara. The first sighting of lions. the mama rhino whisking her baby away to protect it from us, the little elephant learning to kick tufts of grass from earth to dislodge it, the baby hippo lying on top of mama, the little jackal waiting to eat the remains of the lioness’ kill, the baby cheetahs playing with each other and mom. I have photos. But I also have them in my mind’s eye. I seek upon these moments in solitude and relive them all over again.

Not a ‘happy heavenly birthday’ wish


I often see on social media that some of my friends who have lost their loved ones, post ‘happy heavenly birthday’ wishes to the departed souls on their birthdays. Today, on ma’s birthday, I can’t post that. She did not believe in so called heaven. An ardent reader and lover of Rabindranath Tagore’s work, she believed in what the bard said. Heaven and hell is right here, on earth and one experiences them in one’s lifetime. Spread kindness, spread joy, spread good feeling. Recognize and worship the divinity within you and in others. You be true and you will experience heaven in your soul. Anger, bitterness, hatred will delve you into the chasm of hell. One doesn’t have to die to experience either.

On her birthday, I am not wishing her a happy heavenly birthday. Instead, my hope is that her energy, which is indestructible, is lighting up the universe in brilliant hues today. I see the energy of both ma and baba in every sunset, in striking color of the fall foliage, in every shining blade of grass, in every wave crashing on the shore. I am sure there will be a stunning sunset in some part of the world today and I know my mother’s energy will add that extra shine to it.

A few of her loved ones celebrated her birthday when she was alive. Nature will celebrate her birthday today as her energy is one with this beautiful earth of ours.

On ma’s birthday, this is my wish – may all of us strive to be kind. May we have empathy. May we recognize and respect the divinity in each of us. These wishes seem like a naive dream as the carnage continues in the world. But what else can we do but hope?

Ma ceased to exist physically. She lives on in my heart.

PS: I read what I wrote and distinctly heard ma’s big laugh. “My energy will brighten a sunset?? I would rather sprinkle my stardust on shiny jewelry, clothes, brighten the lights of a shopping mall. I can spend a little energy on sunsets, flowers, and waves for your sake and your baba’s sake! Who are you writing about? Don’t you know me?” I can almost hear her laughing voice in my head.

Ma was very materialistic. She loved shopping, fashion, make up and lamented the fact that I did not. I love nature, she did not care for it. So all that I wrote about her energy brightening up the universe is what I want to happen. She is probably laughing her head off at the thought of it. But since she did the terrible job of gently going into the night, I get to do what I want on her birthday. Write whatever I want to happen. And I want nature to pour all its beauty into every corner for all of us to see. So there!

🤣🤣

Solitary vs lonely


While chopping vegetables, profound thoughts come to me. Like whether I am a lover of solitude or am I lonely? I am alone this weekend, but more about that later. I am also at an interesting transitional point in life. My two children are adults now. I am in a comfortable relationship with my partner where the throes of passion (both in love and anger) are on the simmer. We spend our evenings in relative quiet, he doing his thing and me reading. We give each other space to pursue happiness in our own ways. It took me a while to realize that my happiness is not dependent on anyone but me. Gone are the days of hectic activities of school, work, dinner, homework, swim practice, baseball practice. I have a lot of time in my hands and no one to dictate me how to spend my free time. I choose solitude and books. I like this new phase in my life and in our relationship.

As I said, I am alone this weekend. Since I came from work last evening, I have not spoken to anyone except for a friend who called me to talk about book donation. I want to see if I can go through the weekend without actually interacting with another human being. I have some errands to run so that may be difficult. But I will not engage in any meaningful conversation with anyone. A social experiment, I call it. I read somewhere that urban loneliness is affecting not only the elderly population but also the young. I am not elderly yet. Middle aged and a recluse. I remember an interview of a young woman who had moved to a city for work. She never spoke to anyone over the weekends when she didn’t have work. I thought of her today. Did she miss human interaction? Why don’t I? Interestingly, when I am with my friends at work, I love our engagement. I love them. I love that we can laugh together. But once I come home, I am satisfied to just be home.

This is not a new thing. My very extroverted mother did not understand my need to be away from people. If I made a plan to meet up with friends, I dreaded the meet-up and complained constantly that I did not want to go. “But these are your dear friends!” Ma would say. And when I actually dragged myself to meet them, I had the best time. But when I came back, I was also relieved to be home and happy that I had a good time.

Along with age, I have grown to love this solitude even more. I have wondered if I am lonely. Rarely do I have miss being with people. Strangely though, all my jobs have been people oriented. I work at a public library and I interact with people all day and I do it well.

Here I am, sitting in complete silence in my house, typing my thoughts. I was in the middle of making bed and folding laundry but there is no one in the house to expect me to finish that. That is a luxury – to be on my own timeline, with my own thoughts.

Lastly, there is a great fiction depicting this transitional phase in women by Catherine Newman called Sandwich. Some books speak to you and some books talk about you. Sandwich does both.

What is the difference between solitude and loneliness?

Patience and the great migration


Patience is a virtue that I was not born with. As a child and a young person I got bored easily and moved on to different things. I had crushes and then got over them quickly as well. So much so that my mother worried that I will never have a stable relationship in my life. I take every opportunity to remind Sean how lucky he is that I have loved him for over 28 years now. As I got older I mindfully worked on my patience. But I am far from achieving the desired state. I am certainly a work in progress.

I had an opportunity to practice this virtue during our safari trips in Masai Mara though. Spotting wild animals in their natural habitat is not an easy feat. They do not come to us at our beck and call. We are visitors in their domain and we need to wait out patiently,  hoping they would grace us with a rare sighting. On the last day of our stay at Enkewa camp, our driver and spotter Caleb took us to the Mara river hoping to see the great migration when wildebeests and zebras cross the river to go to Serengeti. The drive from our camp to the river was long and bumpy. I don’t recommend this trip if anyone has a bad back. We were rewarded, however, for the drive to Mara river by the sighting of a large herd of elephants. This is the first time I discovered how they eat in the wild. They yanked the grass or shrub with their trunk and a kick with their powerful leg at the roots to uproot the grass. I had only seen them eat at a zoo and no idea about this kicking routine. And we saw some elephant babies, one being only a few months old.

When we reached close to the river, we saw lines of wildebeests and zebras moving slowly in the direction of the river. Caleb, Lesoloi, and Wilson got excited. They hoped they could show us at least a trailer of the great migration. But this involved a long wait. Caleb parked the car at a distance from the river so as not to interfere in the animals’ journey towards it. And we sat there. Quietly. All around us was the whistling of the wind, dust blowing and the sounds of different birds flitting around. The Masai tribe are warriors and lion hunters. Patience is innate in them. Sean is patient too. I am not. At the beginning, I wondered how long do we have to wait and if the wait is long, do I really want to see the animals crossing the river? In our van was another couple who were also very willing to wait. I had no choice. As we sat there in silence, and I started getting comfortable in it, I had a strange exhilarating feeling. One associates ‘exhilaration’ with adrenaline rich adventurous activities. Yet, sitting in complete silence in the wide savanna with only bird songs to keep us company with complete strangers (except my husband) was exhilarating. I can’t quite explain why. I think the realization that I am a part of this huge cycle of life was gratifying. The fact that I was experiencing that moment with nature, in nature, about to experience something that happens every year when I am living my life in United States was exhilarating. I really don’t know. I sat there. Waiting.

After an hour or so, Caleb’s walkie talkie came alive with information from other spotters in the area. Something was happening. He quickly turned  the ignition key of the van and picked up speed racing towards the river. We held on for dear life. He parked close to the river’s edge with a clear view of what was about to ensue. The animals had just entered the river to cross and crocodiles were ready for them on the other side. It was like watching a tense sports game – will the crocodiles get the wildebeests? We were told that crocodiles go without food for up to six months and during the time of great migration, they eat well. We saw one crocodile almost got a wildebeest but somehow the animal escaped to the other side only to be chased by a hyena. We were rooting for a safe crossing for the animals, but that meant the crocodiles having to go without dinner.

We had left the camp at 6:15 am, we had bush breakfast by the river around 9 am, overlooking a family of hippos. And after the viewing of the great migration, we started our long journey back to the camp over heavily rutted roads. But while we were on our way back, Caleb heard on his walkie that Kasuri, the famous leopard has been spotted napping on her favorite tree. How could we not pay our respects to one of the most beautiful creatures that ever roamed this earth? We took a detour to see the sleeping leopard on our way back. There were several safari vans lined up there to see her so we had to wait our turn. And while we marveled at her sleeping form, all those tourists snapping pictures marred the experience for me.

We arrived at our camp close to 2:30 pm. A smiling Caleb turned to us and said, “So should we meet at 4:30 to go out for an evening safari?” Sean and the other couple said “Sure.” I knew I wasn’t going to join them as I needed to collect my thoughts, experience the beautiful camp, and revel in some solitude. More in the next blog.

A moment with the lions…


I take credit for spotting her first. We were driving along the rutted roads of savanna in the Mara district of Kenya when I saw a glimpse of orange behind the dry grass under a palm tree. “Is that a lion?” I tentatively asked our Masai guide and spotter. Like a cheetah, Caleb,our amazing guide turned the steering wheel of the van and drove closer to the lion and I cringed a little bit at the proximity. We were no more than 15 to 20 feet away from the lioness, calmly panting in the shade. She gave our van a cursory glance and casually put her head down to sleep. We noticed she was pregnant. Caleb turned around to me and gave a thumbs up, “Good spotting!” My chest inflated in pride. Huge compliment from a professional. The excitement of spotting the lioness increased tenfold when we turned our head and discovered that right across from her, two teenager cubs and another fully grown lioness were feasting on a wart hog (already dead and mostly eaten). Our van was between the mama lion and the three others.

Sean and I would eventually get acclimated to our close proximity to the wild animals eventually during our three day stay at Enkewa Camp, Masai Mara but this was our first day and we found it hard to believe how close we were to lions in the wild. Caleb, Lesoloi, and Wilson, our amazing driver, guide, spotters told us that the animals, especially lions, wildebeest, zebras, buffaloes, hyenas and many others were so used to the vans that they don’t really react to them any more. While I was very glad to see wild animals so up close and personal, this fact of human intrusion did bother me somewhat (while actively participating in the intrusion).

Apart from Sean, me, and our guides, there was a lovely young couple in the van from Sydney. While the lions ate the wart hog and mama lion slept, we sat there in silence experiencing circle of life, thankfully as witnesses.

During our stay at the camp and our daily safari tours of over six hours and sometimes more, we saw lion prides many times. We sat in our vans watching them rest, feed, practice their roars. We learned how they smell the prey by grimacing, how they stalk. We sat quietly with only the sounds of birds around us. I finally understood the sounds of silence. As I sat there I marveled at the fact that at that moment I was in the presence of a most powerful animal, sharing space, sharing the moment together. Alive in the same frame. I never thought I would experience it. I did, and for that I am so thankful.

A book about retail workers


I wrote this blog for our library blog site. I was happy to see this book make Barack Obama’s 2024 Summer Reading List.

Help Wanted by Adelle Waldman

Hunted by Abir Mukherjee


While I have been neglecting my personal blog, I have been relatively prolific about writing book reviews in Goodreads and Chapter Chats. If you want a crisp, fast paced thriller, I got one for you.

https://chapterchats.org/2024/08/09/hunted-by-abir-mukherjee/