After writing a paean to my deep brown eyes in my previous blog, I am writing, yet again, about eyes. This time, however, the blog is about my double standard when it comes to making eye contact. As a true blue Gemini, I have several personalities and I don a specific avatar of myself as the situation demands. As I went for my evening walk today and I continuously tried to avoid eye contact with fellow human beings out for a stroll, I realized, yet again, how socially awkward I really am.

I am, however, a different person at work. I work at a public library. For more than 8 hours I am with people. Public library, as many of you know, is a microcosm of the world. We interact with vastly different kinds of people – kind, unkind, indifferent, rude, polite and everything in between. At work, I seek eye contact. I look at people in the eye. I smile. By looking at their eyes and smiling I try to make them feel welcome. I am here to help. What can I help you with today? From a very early age, I have worked in customer service – hospitality industry, sales, and now, public library. I like to interact with people professionally. I like to listen to their stories. I am good at what I do.

That is the professional me seeking eye contact. Once I get in my car to drive home, my shoulders relax, I retreat into my cocoon and the ‘eye contact seeker me’ disappears for the night. When I don’t have to be ‘on’, I am a different person altogether. I am content to be by myself and not say a word to anyone. I am at that stage in my life where I can get away by retreating in either my own head, my music, or my book. When Sean and I go for our walks, our completely different personalities are on display. When we see people coming towards us from the other side, I can feel Sean getting excited to smile big and say a booming hello. Me? My first instinct is to look at the ground and avoid eye contact. But I force myself to smile weakly. Fortunately Sean’s emphatic greeting compensates adequately for my unenthusiastic smile. And when I walk alone, I don’t make eye contact at all – unless the human is walking a dog. I smile at the dog and continue to smile at them as they pass by me. I still don’t look at the human.

This is what generally happens. I see someone coming towards me. I hesitate briefly – do I feel friendly today or not? The decision almost always is negative, so I keep my eyes on the ground, pass the person and heave a sigh of relief. As I write all this down, this behavior seems so rude and unfriendly yet I don’t think I can change. The anxiety of making eye contact for an introverted person is real and after spending many of my waking hours interacting with human beings, my introverted soul is generally depleted. Music, written words, comfort and quiet of my little home replenish my soul so I can put on the charms, look at eyes, smile, help, and most importantly, chat about books and importance of free public libraries.