July 2021 – Page 2 – whatmamathinks

It was a regular summer week with work, summer school, swim practice.

Ryan successfully completed second week of summer biology. Four more weeks to go.

It has rained off and on and I feared my flower plants will drown. They did not and with today’s sun, they are radiant again.

I have kept myself busy at work and that helps to keep sadness at bay. Except when I shelve books, my mind fills up with old memories of my parents.

Sean and I talked more about “what’s next” for us.

I went shopping alone on Friday, a chore I generally despise but I quite enjoyed myself this time. Ma was surely smiling at my transformation.

Talking to Gouri, mashi, Breshpati and Khushi brings comfort. Gouri is so smart, she set the new wifi password in baba’s phone and tablet. She does not know any of her alphabets, never went to school, never learnt to read. I wish she would go to school but she is unwilling. I will continue to drop hints.

Gouri got her first Covid vaccine.

Khushi sends me photos of ma and baba with her. She seems to cherish her memories of them.

Gouri is nurturing baba’s plants. She often sends me photos of flowers.

Sahana, Sean and I went to our sweet, little downtown for a leisurely stroll, dinner at our favorite Syrian restaurant followed by locally made ice cream. The evening was picturesque with strawberry pink clouds casting pink glow on the earth. Ryan stayed home to mow the lawn and waste time on phone.

We celebrated July 4th in National zoo cooing at the antiques of baby panda as she tried to waddle after her mom. She was so sweet.

I brought back a pile of books again from the library. We shall see how much I read.

I have finished the entire series of Downton Abbey. What a great series. What should I watch next and why did I wait so long to watch it? Tonight I hope to watch Downton Abbey movie.

It is amazing that life goes on despite….

That is it for me this week. Hope you all have a great week and your list of “goods” is long.

Lately I have been often angry. I internalize the anger so as not to lash out on my loved ones but I need a target to release this emotion. So I use words to express the harshness of what happened. Ma and baba DIED! I find that verb harsh and merciless. The word ‘died’ sounds cruel, ultimate and absolute. While talking or thinking about their death, I don’t say ‘they passed, I say they died. The word ‘passed’ is too kind, too gentle, too passive. It does not emote the feeling that is inside my heart. I am angry that they died and by using the cruel word I feel vindicated.

Their death was gentle, for that I am immensely grateful. Sean and I often discussed how we would care for them when their needs increased. I surmised I would leave my job and spend months with them in India. Sean wanted to bring them here but we both knew we could not afford their medical care in this country and then there was the issue of immigration hurdles. So we decided I would move in with them for months when the time came. But baba still liked to do things himself. He felt he was needed by being in charge of their bills, health care. It gave his life meaning when he could manage their affairs. That is who he was. He was a manager – at work and in life.

Ma did not learn to do any of it. She always joked she would please like to go first so she did not have to deal with any bill paying or paper work. And she did! She was relatively in better health than him so I always thought I would lose him first but nope! The obstinate lady got what she wanted. After her death, I did chuckle and tell the family “Well, this is what she wanted – to go before him. She got her wish.”

I never thought I would lose them both at the same time. And the unfairness of it all makes me so angry sometimes.